Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced
today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost
of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being he hardest
hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider
audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his
vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking
points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of
whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten
meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition
of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."