Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know,
let's find out.'" -Don Imus
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number
three." -David Letterman
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have
badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."
-Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised
not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying
it really felt good to laugh again." -Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend
Update"
"Today President Bush urged all Americans to be patient with the war on terrorism.
I think we're pretty patient. Election day took what, three months?" -Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be
honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra
time." -Jay Leno
"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an
intern." -David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town
couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." -Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse
is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good
timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock?
Let's put that in a box." - Jay Leno
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and
has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." -Jay Leno
"The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42
children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night."
-Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on
fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military
official Colonel Sanders." -Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend
Update"
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress
announced that they are accepting bribes again." -Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me; all these people getting on the Internet and saying
Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss
Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." -Jay Leno
"People are being much, much nicer to each other in New York. And I have to be
honest, it's kind of weird. The other night at Shea Stadium, instead of yelling 'You
suck!' at the Braves, Mets fans were yelling, 'Others are better than you!'" -Conan
O'Brien
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for
this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead
in a week." -Jay Leno
