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INSPECTORS VS. MOTHERS
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq?
They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find
Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things.
For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of
jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the
people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?
I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets
quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads
have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and
one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice
when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol
on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke
from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than
Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's
eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring
to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic
equipment to scout out hidden threats?
My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give
it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass
destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the
street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh,
huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay
some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of
the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut
every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.
Inspectors my butt ... You want the job done? Call my mother.
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