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ADVICE TO WISCONSIN'S VISITORS
Subject: A reminder from the Wisconsin Convention and Visitors Bureau On Visiting Wisconsin This Summer - Do it, Go Home
How to save your ass if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer, Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something
they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee,
Onalaska, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick
your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here,
unlike some places where people are allowed to live off parents past
the age of 16. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment
from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to
our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that,
we would kick her ass. We are also not dumb enough to elect a
Professional Wrestler to our highest state office. People like that
should have their ass kicked.
6. Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that
inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh
at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter so shut
the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or
we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God
intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also,
don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That
will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked many times.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and New York and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't
like it here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move
your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11. Along the same lines, don't try to tell us we don't have beaches
like California, Virginia, Florida, and North Carolina. We got two
great lakes, lakes up the ass, and the biggest river on the continent.
You knock our beaches and we'll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Chicago.
13. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. Don't lie to any of us. If we don't find out right away, we will eventually. We will then kick your ass.
15. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the
farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live
in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make
fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
16. Anyone from any point further south than the Mason-Dixon line will
have their ass kicked back to whence they came. If you are from
Virginia, we will kick your ass using with some LaCrosse Steel
reinforced boots.
17. Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
18. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how
the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass
shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go
home in a pine box minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit and then go home.
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