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Soon, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to  some spinning red thing headed toward our coast and making two basic  meteorological points:
 (1) There is no need to panic.
 (2) We could all be killed.

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do  to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

 Follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

 STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

 STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

 STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this  insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
 (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
 (2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then  they might  be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly  equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like a bad talk show host.

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned.. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says Florida, you live in a low-lying area.) The  purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your  home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic  traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand  other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

If you don't evacuate, you will need a lot of supplies. Florida tradition  requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the  supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the  last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 Flashlights.

At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the  bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a  hurricane, but it looks cool.)

And $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you  can buy a generator from a man with no visible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,  it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning  on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right  next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is   for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

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