Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."  Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."  Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."  Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking crestfallen and simply said, "Who's Linda Tripp?"

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.  An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.  He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch".  Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.  The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.  The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says,  "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"  The woman replies.... "He's a midget."

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!" The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.  "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.  Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.  I get under the bed, I think there's  somebody on top of it.  Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink.  "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.  "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit?  A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."   "Calm down. How long have you been like this?"  "Like what?"

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.  They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day.  The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.   "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"

A woman recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter... Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"  She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?  Here it comes..."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?"  Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of  galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.   Historologically, I  deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, "Watson, you FOOL! Some wiseguy has stolen our tent!"

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and says, "Honey pack your bags, I won the lottery!"  The husband says, "Wow, that's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
A minister, a doctor and an engineer were waiting to tee off on Saturday morning.  The group ahead looked like the Keystone Kops and were not proceeding like any normal group.  Finally, this threesome went back to the clubhouse to complain.   The golf pro explained that these were a group of firemen that all had lost their eyesight last  year while fighting a fire at the clubhouse; as a show of gratitude,   the club allowed them to play for free at any time. The minister was greatly moved and said, "I will pray for their  healing."  The doctor said, "I will get them an appointment with the best ophthalmologist I know."  The engineer said, "Why don't they  play at night?"      

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her," replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."  The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.  He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"  The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"  Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first."

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person.  Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.   Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.  Therefore: he came to be known as a................. "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly.   His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. "Hey, what's with Mother Angelica?  She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band." "Aw, I just told her she was pregnant." "My God, is she?" "No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.  After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?  Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.......... Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?  Two mothers-in-law.
Have you heard that Monica is going to marry the unabomber? Her surname will be Monica Lewinsky-Kazinski. It's a mouthful, but she can handle it.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.   "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.   The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."   The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the catalytic converter!" "No, there's ~definitely~ water in the carburetor!" she insisted. "OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake.

The Los Angeles Zoo recently gave a love tour allowing people to watch animals mate in their natural habitat. It's the West Coast version of the White House tour.
El Nino has given us here in Southern California a little break. The forecast calls for clear skies with only a 30% chance of scattered houses.

Oprah Winfrey was cleared of charges she slandered the beef industry. It's a good thing too. Can you imagine how stupid we would look to the rest of the world if we let OJ and Louise Woodward go free, but threw Oprah in jail for insulting a hamburger? (Leno)

Pamela Lee filed for divorce. California is a community property state, so things will be divided equally. Tommy will get the two overstuffed divans, Pamela will keep her breasts. No word yet on who gets custody of the camcorder.

President Clinton challenged the nation to come up with an AIDS vaccine in 10 years. He compared it to the time when Kennedy challenged Americans to put a man on the moon in 10 years, but he went to far when he said this will be one small step for man, and one giant leap for man's behind. (Maher)

New research says the inner ear of lesbians are less sensitive than those of heterosexual women and more like men's ears. Does this mean they don't listen either?
Gay couples in New Jersey can now adopt foster children. Conservatives denounced the idea, saying "It's cruel and immoral to raise children in an environment like... New Jersey." (Cutler Daily Scoop)

AT&T, MCI, Sprint and 30 foreign long distance companies plan to build an undersea fiber optic cable system. The project may take awhile - someone in each country has to wait there between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. for the installer.

Fred Goldman will host a new TV show called "Search for Justice". Doesn't he know that any chance of neing taken seriously was killed by that mustache?
Marth Stewart is suing the National Enquirer for claiming she had a borderline personality disorder. This will settle an important legal issue" Sould a subpoena be served before or after dinner?

Two New Zealand playwrights say the idea for "The Full Monty" was stolen form their 1987 play. They plan to take the movie's producers to court and sue their pants off.

Big news for paleontologists: in Argentina they found what might be the link between birds and dinosaurs. They don't want to get too excited because it might just be Phyllis Diller. (Maher)

World famous mime Marcel Marceau, 74, appeared at the Wiltern Theatre recently. He may be the greatest mime ever. The day he dies, we should all pause for a moment of noise.

Rolls Royce introduced its first totally new car in 18 years, selling for $216,000. It sounds like a lot, but that does come with Grey Poupon. The car is so luxurious that if you have an accident, instead of an airbag, a little pillow comes out with a mint on it. (Leno)

Japan has built a train that goes 329 miles an hour by floating a fraction of an inch above the tracks. Forget speed - I'd be happy if Amtrak could just keep its trains that close to the track. A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool. (Carlin)

You know the little Chihuahua in the Taco Bell ads? Apparently he was rescued from a dog pound before being put to death. So, I guess either way he would have ended up at Taco Bell. (Leno)

COMMENTARY: The other night on cable they showed "The English Patient" and "Bridges of Madison County" back to back. You know what drives me nuts? Every woman you talk to who saw these movies says, "Oh, The English Patient was so romantic. She was so in love. Oh, in Bridges of Madison County Meryl Streep was so in love. It was so romantic." Blah blah blah. Isn't there some kind of double standard here? In both movies, women commit adultry, but these are supposed to romantic love stories. I don't hear women saying, "Oh poor Frank Gifford, torn between Kathie Lee and the flight attendant. What a romantic story. He loved them both..." (Leno)

I had an idea for a film. It would be titled "Sorry, This Theater Closed for Remodeling" just because I'd love to hear the recorded show listings when I call the theater: And in theater number 3, "Sorry, This Theater Closed for Remodeling".

A depressed young blonde from a Manhattan finishing school was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me." He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry".

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought i told you to call your mom, she says. I did, he says, and she told me that if i could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

This guy is at the doctor's and the doctor comes in & says "I have good news & I have bad news". The guy says "Give me the bad news first." The doctor says: "You need a brain transplant." So the guy says, "Wow, that's pretty bad. What's the bad news?" "I have 2 brains available", says the doctor. "A male brain for $100,000 and a female brain for $10,000." "But I don't understand" says the patient, "Why such a difference in the price?" "Well,", the doctor explained, the female brain has been used!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing. By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and started hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned, but o.k. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, " said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about being full, and again, asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my excercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought I was saved for sure, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be o.k., this refridgerator comes falling out of the sky crushing me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this, says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refridgerator...."

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"  The parrot says, "With my penis, dummy."  The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."  The parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish."  The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."  The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots, you know. If you offer the proprietor $2 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."   The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. Every day when he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.  But then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."  The guy says, "What's up?"  The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."  The guy says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion."  The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did?"  "Yep," says the parrot. "Then he took off her negligee and started sucking on her breasts."  The guy exclaims, "My God, what happened next???"  The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.  "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me.  You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession."  The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.  "I'm a cop", says the first man.  "All right, shoot his penis off!", said the sheik.  He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.  "I'm a firemen", said the second man.  "All right, burn his penis off!", said the sheik.  Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"  And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A white woman walks into a sex shop and approaches the counter. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.  Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."   The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.  They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.  Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.  Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.  Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"  The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.  They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.   The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.  How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"  The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us!  But, how did you know it was so dangerous?"  The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!"

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that wh at heaven really is like?" "Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you, then?" "I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits. Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"