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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes down stairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had  to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have   happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the  Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He  opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,  "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son? "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing. "On the road again ....just can't wait to get on the road again ... ." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. Out sang, "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.  "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.  What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky  mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St.  Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down.   There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St.  Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St.  Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota."

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed.  The passion is heating up.  But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."  The husband says "WHAT??"  The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.  The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife.  We'll take all three of them.  Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.  And then goes to the Jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.  The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."  The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I  am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."  The wife's face goes blank.  "No honey - I just want you to  HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!"

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Stumpy and his wife, Martha, went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane," and every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.  If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."  Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."  The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.  I'll take you both up for a ride.   If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you.   But if you say one word it's ten dollars."  Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.  He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.  They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy and remarked, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't!" Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.  The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.  He couldn't do it in his office.   He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police.  What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.  The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"  The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.  When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."  He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row.  The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house.  I'm married, so we can't go to my house.   The Holiday Inn charges $60.  The Hilton charges $78.  We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

Steve was in a terrible accident at work.  Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly  set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.  But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes.   I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.  The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And she replied: "Well, you have no ears."   Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three.  It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.  He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.  Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young  man answered:  "Yes.You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,  it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose a note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart.   Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee-skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart. He says, Dan, do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K? Dan laughs to himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, Absolutely. The Manager continued, In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities? Again, Dan laughs to himself, Is this f**king guy serious? but he says again, Absolutely! Well let me show you how it's done,says the manager. The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there Yup," responds the customer The manager winks at Dan and says, Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down? Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. Yeah! That's a great idea. The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model. Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that? Hell, yeah!" says Dan, Just watch!! Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there, says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, Yup. A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower? The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, What the hell would I want a lawnmower for? Dan winks at his manager and says, Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!

A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle.  Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat.  What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Bubba, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Bubba was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Bubba to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bubba: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. Bubba: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. -- 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.  The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition? Bubba: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, "Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien" replies the son. "She's Catholic." "Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy," says the son. "Ok, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Sol and Irving. Sol calls on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises, "What is her name?" implores the father. "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox." "Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, Father." "Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha. Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, "Please God, let my remaining son Irving marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!" Irving comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!" "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says Irving! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Irving, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No," says Irving. "Hmmm," says Moisha. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?" ", father" says Irving. "Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son? "Whoopi," says Irving.

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher
and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at thedoorsaid, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and  a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't  be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed." "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here?  Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms.

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, " Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I  just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.   But each time he tried, it was occupied.  The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW  WA   PP  ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.  He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.  He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.  "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.  He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.  By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve   He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away  was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree.  "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me!  I'd love to.    Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability.  It'd be so great!  When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just stand there and let it fly.  It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.  Oh   please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh   please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.   It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position  And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest  him, laughing with   delight all the while.   And it was good.

A preacher wanted to earn money for his church.  He had heard there was money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.   However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep, and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured since he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the races.  The next day the donkey came in third. The following day in the racing forms, this headline appeared:  "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it the next day also.   The donkey won!  The racing form read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT" The ranking bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races any more. The headlines read:  "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS" This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.  The preacher decided to give the animal to the nearby convent.  The following day's headlines screamed: "NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN" The bishop fainted.  He instructed the nuns to get rid of the donkey, so they sold it to a farmer for $10.  The next day the paper read: "NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" They buried the bishop the next day.  The following day the paper read: "TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH"

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in order of appearance:
1. A woman  -  2. A donkey  -  3. A shovel  -  4. A fish   -  5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences they held a huge meeting to discuss and agree upon the meaning of the markings.  The President of their society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-oriented and held women in high esteem.  You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil." He continued, "The third drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had also developed tools to help them. Further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if there was a famine and their food didn't grow, they would turn to the sea for food." Drawing a breath, he added, "The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means these people were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word! The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again.  It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you`d like to come." "Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin`." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of `em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More `n` likely gonna be some fightin` too." Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I`ll be there.  Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that`s not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.   The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind  them.  She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.   Use big people words!" She then asked Joey what he had done.  "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he
said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked Eddie what he had done " I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you  read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.  "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"  She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower. "Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams  furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"   Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

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