A man is in bed with his wife when there is a
rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three
in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes down stairs. He opens the door and there is
man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes
back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very
nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the
kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us
started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says
the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help
him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah
please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are
you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign
that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment
of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on,
and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the
parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son?
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some
business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at
a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The
man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit,
holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in
this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling
it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing
another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes,
getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body
was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a
cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and
to his surprise, music began playing. "On the road again ....just can't wait to get
on the road again ... ." The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the
rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner
over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told
the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. Out sang, "On the road again...
Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the Medical
Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But
isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you
kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's
down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be
an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St.
Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and
asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the
computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a
stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A
week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two
priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one
should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying
with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota."
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The
passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The
husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with
it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks
around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife.
We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200
each. And then goes to the Jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She
goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so
excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go,
lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not
going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey
- I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and
she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!"
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man.
His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam
asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our
most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit.
The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two
went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared
again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out
the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up
the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money
and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie,
"I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man.
"She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Stumpy and his wife, Martha, went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane,"
and every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair
and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy that there
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot
overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't
charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha
agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but
not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy and remarked, "By golly, I did everything
I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't!" Stumpy replied, "Well,
I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men
last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his
office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an
alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way
home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled
underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his
pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his
mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He
heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied,
"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you
might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled
down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor
examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple
finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple,
"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged
them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which
is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally
after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you
trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out
anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to
my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it
here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however,
the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But,
because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum
of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but
growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company
outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about
running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for
him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew
everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview,
Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman
answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve
got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was
even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" And she replied: "Well, you have no
ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last
interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out
of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman
than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the
young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to
his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes.You wear contact lenses."
Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the
world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the
night with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he
did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and
mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the
office, he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose a note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I
am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out
that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it
on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to
make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the
local K-Mart. Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the
manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee-skinny, glasses, pocket
protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart.
He says, Dan, do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K? Dan laughs to
himself, thinking what an asshole! But since it was an interview he responded, Absolutely.
The Manager continued, In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be
in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities? Again, Dan laughs to
himself, Is this f**king guy serious? but he says again, Absolutely! Well let me show you
how it's done,says the manager. The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a
customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there Yup," responds
the customer The manager winks at Dan and says, Ya think you might need a new lawn mower
for that grass you're putting down? Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the
customer's head. Yeah! That's a great idea. The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers
and helps him pick out a really nice model. Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think
you can do that? Hell, yeah!" says Dan, Just watch!! Dan steps up to the counter and
the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Dan looks at
the box and then at the embarrassed customer That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got
there, says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, Yup. A moment of silence
passes and then Dan blurts out, Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower? The
customer looks up from his shoes and responds, What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?
Dan winks at his manager and says, Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend I
figured you might want to mow your lawn!
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do?
There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo
administrators noticed Bubba, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now
Bubba was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Bubba to satisfy the female
gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500? Bubba: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo
administrators' office the following day. Bubba: I accept your offer, but with 3
conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. -- 2nd, I want nothing to do with any
offspring that may result. The zoo administration quickly acceded to these
conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition? Bubba: Well, you've gotta give me
another week to come up with the $500.
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak,
"Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava
Nagila. "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her
name?" "O'Brien" replies the son. "She's Catholic."
"Oy!" says the father. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy,"
says the son. "Ok, as long as you're happy. My blessings to you both," replies
Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Sol and Irving. Sol calls
on his father the next evening, "Father, I too will be married soon!" Again,
Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises, "What is her name?"
implores the father. "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek
Orthodox." "Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?" "I'm
happy, Father." "Ok, then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, "Please God, let my remaining son Irving
marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!" Irving
comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands.
"Goldberg!" says Irving! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God!
Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Irving, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's
daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No," says Irving. "Hmmm,"
says Moisha. "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"
"Ah...no, father" says Irving. "Well, then, what is her first name, my
youngest, truest, most beautiful son? "Whoopi," says Irving.
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman
and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the
Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to
eat." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They
walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk in. The bouncer at thedoorsaid, "Sorry, Mac, no pets
allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said,
"Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come
on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of
dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no
pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is
my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the
Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How
are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the
food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine
hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a
little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you
people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily
basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It
works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from
rolling out of bed." "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms.
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just
know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to
think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a
huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, " Our allowance...
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and
that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny
has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more
question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom
facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant,
aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him
not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening
to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He
carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on
his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a
little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his
wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "aha" he thought, "no wonder these
women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the
next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted
his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reach
out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing
off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last
thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained,
"Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon
Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had
two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam
and Eve He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the
couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted the ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd
love to. Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd
be so great! When I'm working in the garden or manning the animals I could just
stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the
sand. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand
and pee, oh please!" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to
pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should
have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really
wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability
to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position And so, he
was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,
laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had
heard there was money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep,
and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured since he had the donkey,
he might as well enter it in the races. The next day the donkey came in third. The
following day in the racing forms, this headline appeared: "PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it the next day
also. The donkey won! The racing form read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN
FRONT" The ranking bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered
the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races any more. The headlines read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS" This was too much for the bishop, and he
ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the
animal to the nearby convent. The following day's headlines screamed: "NUNS
HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN" The bishop fainted. He instructed the nuns to get rid of
the donkey, so they sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
"NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" They buried the bishop the next day. The
following day the paper read: "TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH"
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in order of
1. A woman - 2. A donkey - 3. A shovel - 4. A fish
- 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three
thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum
where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. After
months of conferences they held a huge meeting to discuss and agree upon the meaning of
the markings. The President of their society stood up, pointed at the first drawing
and said, "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-oriented
and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next
symbol resembles a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the
soil." He continued, "The third drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which
means they had also developed tools to help them. Further proof of their high intelligence
is the fish, which means that if there was a famine and their food didn't grow, they would
turn to the sea for food." Drawing a breath, he added, "The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means these people were evidently Hebrews." The
audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to
see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little
old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word! The
explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that
Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It
says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is
finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far
from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it`s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total
isolation, he`s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is
a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four
miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you`d like to come."
"Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna
be some drinkin`." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink with the best of `em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More
`n` likely gonna be some fightin` too." Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I
get along with people. I`ll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns
from the door. "I`ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that`s
not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone for six months! I`ll
definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops at the door again
and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject
turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems",
Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I.
We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do
that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you
please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch
again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things
couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and
afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the
grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to
sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went
into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his
penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever
been!" With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the
same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom
into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John,
surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any
help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I
want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of
The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk. "You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind
them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people
words!" She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a
said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!" She then asked
Eddie what he had done " I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful"
the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then
puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river seine. It's a beautiful day and love
is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me." Our hero
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing,
Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have
red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When
things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower. "Our hero
tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her
chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am
Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine."
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to
his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear,
grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac
on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her
arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
DOING?!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"