A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"  She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"   "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"  I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"  "No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets.  We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"   "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"  "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.  The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping", To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies". He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a disappeared and I couldn't a find a him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad.  But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...."SUPPLIES!"

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say ....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.  The barber says "Father, you're a holy man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house. "The priest says, "Thanks you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. A few day later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next day. Magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.   "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."  Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do  not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."  Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and  requested some resolution of the dilemma.  "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,  asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,  flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her  best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a  V neck right down to your navel.'   The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf  course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the  husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a  broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch  said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped  for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm  allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and  I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year  for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do.  And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your  wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot  of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and  said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?...That's amazing."

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door.  She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Screw him.  Give him a dollar."  The breakfast was my idea."

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

God was looking down at the earth one day, and he decided that he wasn't happy with the way things were. He decided that he would send three of the most important people in the world up to him to have a little talk. In a boom of thunder, he sent up Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. God told the three of them that he is really disappointed at the human race, and that they have one week to prepare for the end of the world. In another boom of thunder, God sent the three important people back down to earth.

Bill Clinton called his cabinet in and told them that there is good news, and bad news. The good news is that there is a God, and the bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.

Boris called in his staff, and told them that there is bad news and even more bad news. The bad news is that they were wrong, and there really is a God. The other bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.

Bill Gates call in his top engineers and told him that there is good news and even better news. The good news is that Bill was regarded as one of the most important people in the world, and the the better news is that they no longer have to worry about trying to fix Windows 95

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine" said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????" "That was the demo," replied God.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that. "The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that. "The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades. He was helping Monica with her computer and it went down on him too.
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again!
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? A. The nation.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps ofAir Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

"Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your problem", says Vernon Jordan. "Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill. Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed about smoking pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?" Bill replied, "Yeah so what?" "Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect defense".

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets  sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the  paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however,  that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the  error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the said his good-bye to the  devil as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late.

There's a new game being played in Washington D.C......it's called swallow the leader.
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?----------"Pardon Me"
What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton?----------Deep Throat brought down Nixon, but Deep Throat WENT down on Clinton!
How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?----------She's the one with the dirty knees.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmark?----------He just bends over the pages!
Why doesn't Monica eat bananas?----------She can't find the zipper.
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition, I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
Realization of from another White House intern...----------And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
Why does Clinton think he's innocent,----------Because he didn't inhale the intern!
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?----------"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
"President Clinton, we really need to deal with this abortion bill." "Fine, I'll pay it!
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says,"I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy".
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."  To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom!" Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
WHY DOES MONICA LEWINSKY HAVE SUCH PUFFY CHEEKS? She's withholding evidence.
WHAT DOES BILL TELL HILLARY AFTER SEX? Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!
DID YOU KNOW MONICA HAS A HEARING PROBLEM? All Bill really said was, "Hold my calls, and sack the cook."
WHAT'S MONICA GOING TO TITLE HER MEMOIRS? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"
MONICA WOULDN'T HAVE SOILED HER DRESS, IF SHE WOULD JUST HAVE KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND A SCREWDRIVER? A screw driver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns.
WHY DOES BILL CLINTON WEAR UNDERWEAR? To keep his ankles warm.
WHY DOES MONICA REFUSE TO PLAY GOLF WITH BILL? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
BILL WAS RECENTLY OVERHEARD COMPLIMENTING MONICA'S APPEARANCE. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across."
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MONICA LEWINSKY AND THE REST OF US? When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote!
WHAT'S BILL'S NEW PICK UP LINE? "Would you be interested in a position under the President?"
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND THE TITANIC? Only 200 women went down on the Titanic!
WHATS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN CLINTON AND A PC ? A six inch hard drive and no memory !
The Wizard of Oz visits Washington DC. He sees Al Gore and asks if there is anything he wants. "Well, sure!" says Al. "I'd like to have a brain." "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the vice president a brain.
Next he sees Al D'Amato, the Senator from New York, and asks if there is anything he wants. D'Amato thinks for a second and says he would like to have a heart. "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the Senator a heart.
Finally the Wizard sees Bill Clinton and asks if there is anything the President wants. Bill pauses, looks around for a minute and quietly asks, "Where's Dorothy?"
Pearly Gates... Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne. God asks Al: "What do you believe?" Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die." God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?" Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do." God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat." 

It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early". Little Tommy thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first." The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Tommy could open his mouth Trish said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Trish. You may leave." Tommy was mad that Trish answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Tommy could open his mouth Carol said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Carol. You may leave." Tommy was even madder that Carol answered first The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Tommy could open his mouth Kim said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Kim. You may leave." Tommy was BOILI G MAD that Kim answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Tommy said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?" Tommy said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"