President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today,
and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade, I believe), they were in the middle of
a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he
would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."|
So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, were
playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a
tragedy." "No", says Clinton, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a
cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid
not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The
room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he
says, "If Air Force One carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton were struck by a missile and
blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!" "Fantastic," exclaims
Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
would be no great loss!"
A man was walking
along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it
and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah
blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these
wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought
about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to
fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of
how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. finally, he said, "I've
been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what
they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know
what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied,
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this
case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" I have
an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said,
"Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "we have a
two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried
again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and
daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to
your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never
wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping", To the Irishman he says
"You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge
of supplies". He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple
hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian,
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I
didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a
disappeared and I couldn't a find a him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and
asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did
lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of
supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off
toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs
out from behind the pile of sand and yells...."SUPPLIES!"
Three buddies were talking about death and dying. When you're in
your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my
time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say ....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the
barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says "Father, you're a holy
man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house. "The priest says,
"Thanks you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the
doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. A few day later, a Buddhist monk goes in for
a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money,
please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The next
day. Magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. The following week a rabbi comes
in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned
man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you
are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and
tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a
story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother
what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes
right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive
golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband
said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows.
It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the
window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you
to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this
is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say,
"Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a
broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you
the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband
replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three
wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what
do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every
country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I've been
trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to
sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we
did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The
genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie
rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband,
anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?...That's
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived
at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and
soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second
house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed
him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he
was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was
just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire
to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great", he said:
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain,
desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he
was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the
target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at
the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was completely
blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just
fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
God was looking down at the earth one day, and he decided that he wasn't happy with the
way things were. He decided that he would send three of the most important people in the
world up to him to have a little talk. In a boom of thunder, he sent up Bill Clinton,
Boris Yeltson, and Bill Gates. God told the three of them that he is really disappointed
at the human race, and that they have one week to prepare for the end of the world. In
another boom of thunder, God sent the three important people back down to earth.
Bill Clinton called his cabinet in and told them that there is
good news, and bad news. The good news is that there is a God, and the bad news is that
the world is going to end in one week.
Boris called in his staff, and told them that there is bad news
and even more bad news. The bad news is that they were wrong, and there really is a God.
The other bad news is that the world is going to end in one week.
Bill Gates call in his top engineers and told him that there is
good news and even better news. The good news is that Bill was regarded as one of the most
important people in the world, and the the better news is that they no longer have to
worry about trying to fix Windows 95
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to
you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So Bill
went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of
beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The
sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!"
he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine"
said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting
about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought
for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell,"
he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went
to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot
flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything
going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks
ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????" "That was the demo,"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to
the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to
the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on
the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign
helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a
Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer
suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might
have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe
the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft
engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we
close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover. The
first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers
and candy before we make love. I like that. "The second woman says, "My husband
is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda
like that. "The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be
when I get it."
One Sunday morning Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the
White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your
mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered
much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is
actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she
came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting
married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about
this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my
half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."
Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades. He was helping Monica
with her computer and it went down on him too.
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with
Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again!
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides
nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this
abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.
The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary
by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts,
"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them
tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good;
I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he
asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? A.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the
steps ofAir Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to
the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for
Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade,
One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior
decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks
she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it
immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies.
"I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
"Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your
problem", says Vernon Jordan. "Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill.
Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed about smoking
pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?" Bill replied, "Yeah so
what?" "Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we
can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect defense".
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to
an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to
hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the
paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would
take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope
was called in and the said his good-bye to the devil as he went off to heaven. On
his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry
about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to
heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
There's a new game being played in Washington D.C......it's
called swallow the leader.
What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair?----------"Pardon Me"
What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton?----------Deep Throat brought down Nixon,
but Deep Throat WENT down on Clinton!
How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern?----------She's
the one with the dirty knees.
Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmark?----------He just bends over the pages!
Why doesn't Monica eat bananas?----------She can't find the zipper.
President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition, I told you
to lie in THAT POSITION!"
Realization of from another White House intern...----------And all that time I thought
that humming was the shredder!
Why does Clinton think he's innocent,----------Because he didn't inhale the intern!
How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
testimony?----------"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
"President Clinton, we really need to deal with this abortion bill." "Fine,
I'll pay it!
Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,chuckles and says,
"You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person
very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten
$10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her
perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the
window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of
them and says,"I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up
and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays
sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and
says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the
bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just
to tell me you have to go to the bathroom!" Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to
tell you to save my spot."
WHY DOES MONICA LEWINSKY HAVE SUCH PUFFY CHEEKS? She's withholding evidence.
WHAT DOES BILL TELL HILLARY AFTER SEX? Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!
DID YOU KNOW MONICA HAS A HEARING PROBLEM? All Bill really said was, "Hold my calls,
and sack the cook."
WHAT'S MONICA GOING TO TITLE HER MEMOIRS? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without
MONICA WOULDN'T HAVE SOILED HER DRESS, IF SHE WOULD JUST HAVE KEPT HER MOUTH SHUT.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND A SCREWDRIVER? A screw driver turns in screws,
and Clinton screws interns.
WHY DOES BILL CLINTON WEAR UNDERWEAR? To keep his ankles warm.
WHY DOES MONICA REFUSE TO PLAY GOLF WITH BILL? Because she's tired of his balls hitting
her in the face.
BILL WAS RECENTLY OVERHEARD COMPLIMENTING MONICA'S APPEARANCE. "She's got the whitest
teeth I've ever cum across."
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MONICA LEWINSKY AND THE REST OF US? When we want some dick
in the White House, we just vote!
WHAT'S BILL'S NEW PICK UP LINE? "Would you be interested in a position under the
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CLINTON AND THE TITANIC? Only 200 women went down on the
WHATS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN CLINTON AND A PC ? A six inch hard drive and no memory !
The Wizard of Oz visits Washington DC. He sees Al Gore and asks if there is anything he
wants. "Well, sure!" says Al. "I'd like to have a brain."
"Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the vice president a brain.
Next he sees Al D'Amato, the Senator from New York, and asks if there is anything he
wants. D'Amato thinks for a second and says he would like to have a heart.
"Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the Senator a heart.
Finally the Wizard sees Bill Clinton and asks if there is anything the President wants.
Bill pauses, looks around for a minute and quietly asks, "Where's Dorothy?"
Pearly Gates... Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are
standing before God, seated on his throne. God asks Al: "What do you believe?"
Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth
will die." God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do
you believe?" Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people
should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."
God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you
believe?" Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."
It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has
already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless
because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to
correctly answer each question I ask may leave early". Little Tommy thinks to
himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first." The
teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Tommy could
open his mouth Trish said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's
right, Trish. You may leave." Tommy was mad that Trish answered first. The teacher
asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Tommy could open his mouth Carol said
"Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Carol. You may
leave." Tommy was even madder that Carol answered first The teacher asked "Who
said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Tommy could open his mouth
Kim said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Kim. You may
leave." Tommy was BOILI G MAD that Kim answered first. Then the teacher turned her
back, and Tommy said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The
teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?" Tommy said, "Bill Clinton. May I go