Definition ----- Lawyer: n. One skilled in circumventing the
law. - Ambrose Bierce
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the
morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What does a laywer have in common with a sperm? They both have a one-in-a-million chance
of becoming a human being.
Lawyers use a economic forecast like a drunk uses a lamppost; they use it for support
rather than illumination.
If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement? (Answer #1) Soccer
practice! (Answer #2) Not enough cement.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
Why did the Lion run through the jungle eating elephant droppings? He'd just eaten a
lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? The cats keep covering them up with sand.
What do you call 200 lawyers in a boat on the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Do you know why a lawyer has one more brain cell than the horse? So he won't mess up the
streets.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? (answer #1): Take your foot off his head.
(answer #2): No? Good!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Heck, you need 250 just to
lobby for the research grant.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your
bicycle.
You are being chased by a bear, a lion, and a lawyer. You have a rifle, but only two
bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of
lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old
drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you
know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for
three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab
assistants don't get so attached to them; and thirdly, there are some things even a rat
won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human
beings."
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the
quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the
butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for a computer programmer's brain?" "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is
lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to
get one ounce of brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim,
you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up
and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you,
Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your
father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's
father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a
seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of
people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at
the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then
St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied,
"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my
calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for
his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a
shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a
guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who
gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the
executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had
solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the
Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked.
"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do
they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear."
replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there
said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will
be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic
Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so
we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the
balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we
are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey,
could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're
in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man
must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's
the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They
end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country
inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you
write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up
here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When
Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a
lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the
stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man
and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied
the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same
grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let
people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the
stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bootle of
the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In
USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good
as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it
away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle thru it.
All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them,
lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so
much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the
American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it.
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece
of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's
owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your
dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes
the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the
butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several
days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $50 due for
a consultation.
Seems a group of terrorists captured a plane containing 100 lawyers en route to a
convention and said that if their demands were not met they would release 1 lawyer every
hour.
Mama Bear and Papa Bear went to divorce court and the judge said to baby bear "Do you
want to live with Mama Bear?" and Baby bear said "No she beats me." So the
judge said "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" and Baby Bear said "No he
beats me too" and so the judge said "Who do you want to live with?" and
Baby Bear said "The Chicago Bears cuz they don't beat no one!"
Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers buy tickets and watch as
the three MBA's buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel
on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers
an MBA. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three MBA's cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the
train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyer
saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers
decide to copy the MBA's on the return trip and save some money. When they get to
the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
MBA's don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a icket?"
says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA. When
they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three MBA's cram into
another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the MBA's leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After
passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new
lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
(cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity. "Hot Dang",
the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to
see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile
and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of
astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller
in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this
dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions.
We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy
gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had
presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent
for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your
aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor,"
replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car
I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your
background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under
oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case
and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence,
demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for
jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the
courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent
was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the
bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The
bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating
speeches for the foreman's position!"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong
place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the
telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan
replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with
next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he
should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I
like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him
back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,
knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked
at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk
into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat
stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer
said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to
whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The
jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and
pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must
have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman
replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several
months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided
them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see
if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day,one of the lawyers yelled down from the
tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer
on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should
come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his
friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their
island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.
But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally
unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know
we've been on this island for months now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you
think we should, you know, screw her?" The other lawyer glanced down at the totally
naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
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