A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard, and made the following suggestion, Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. But it didn't help and she was still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi. Okay, said the rabbi, let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

AN OLD FARMER IS HAVING TROUBLE GETTING HIS BULL TO BREED WITH THE COWS AND IS LAMENTING THIS FACT TO A FEW OF HIS FRIENDS DOWN AT THE LOCAL GRAIN SILOS. ONE OF THEM SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE THE SAME TROUBLE WITH MY BULL, BUT GOT IT FIXED REALLY QUICK.""HOW DID YOU GET IT FIXED?" "WELL I JUST DIPPED MY FINGER IN THE COW'S VAGINA AND RUBBED IT ALL OVER THE BULL'S NOSE AND HE GOT RIGHT AFTER HER." HE GOES HOME TO THE FARM AND DECIDES TO TRY IT. HE GRABS A COW, DIPS HIS FINGERS IN THE COW'S VAGINA AND RUBS IT ALL AROUND THE BULL'S NOSE. THE BULL GETS A RIP-ROARING BONER AND JUMPS ON THE COW IMMEDIATELY. THAT NIGHT, HE GETS INTO BED WITH HIS WIFE AND CAN'T GET THE EFFECT ON THE BULL OUT OF HIS MIND. AS SHE LAYS SLEEPING, HE DIPS HIS FINGERS INTO HIS WIFE'S VAGINA AND FEELING THAT IT'S NICE AND WET, HE RUBS IT ALL AROUND HIS NOSE AND GETS A RIP-ROARING HARD-ON. HE QUICKLY SHAKES HIS WIFE AWAKE AND CRIES OUT LOUD..."DARLING, LOOK AT THIS!!!" "SHE ROLLS OVER, TURNS THE LIGHT ON AND SAYS, " YOU MEAN YOU WAKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT JUST TO SHOW ME THAT YOU HAVE A NOSEBLEED?"

A lawyer read the will of a rich man to the deceased's family: "To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong.

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildos h-here ?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."  The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."   Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."  "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes ma'am, one of them does."  "W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a "Wizard under the sheets".

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal Service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher...I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

There are 3 new nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns that before they can receive their saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad... After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright," The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter. The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven. The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter," I peed in the Holy water."

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.   "What's that" he asked.  She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."  Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."   She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."  Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.  Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"  "Just checking for bees"

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby. "You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you." "Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?" "Denise," the doctor replies. Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?" The doctor answers, "Denephew."

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" And he did! The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then, One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys? And the brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...the Guinea Pigs".

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back  and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

The day has come for the final showdown between the Christians and the Jews. A neutral field is chosen for this battle to determine which religion is more holy. As the Pope and the head Rabbi stare each other in the eye, the Pope raises his arms. In response, the Rabbi points at the ground. The Pope shows the Rabbi three fingers, and the Rabbi shows him one finger. The Pope brings out a loaf of bread, and the Rabbi brings out an apple. They both go back to their respective house of worship. Returning to Rome with his head held low, the Pope is asked by the cardinal, "Your holiness, what happened that can make you feel so blue?" The Pope responds, "First I raised my arms to show that God is all around us. The Rabbi said that God is right here. I reminded him of the Holy Trinity, and he stated the first commandment -- I am the lord, your God, and you shall worship no one but me. Then I brought out a loaf of bread to remind him of the body of Christ. He brought out an apple to remind me of the first sin." The cardinals says, "I'm sorry. I guess he made you feel awful." Back at the head Rabbi's temple, the other Rabbis ask, "So, Rabbi, what happened with that goyim." The Rabbi answers, "First, he says 'You wanna fight?' I said, 'Right here, right now.' Then he said, 'Give me 3 minutes,' and I said, 'Fuck you!' Then we brought out our lunches and went home."

It seems a man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Phoenix, Albuquerque, Dallas, Houston, Oklahoma City, Omaha and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrives in Wyoming. Upon entering a quaint church in Lander, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities big and small all across the country. In each church I found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Wyoming and, of course, it's a local call from here."

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um...no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. " . . . or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea . . ." "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't   go out to Coney Island?"

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.  Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Those of you who know my previous incarnation as a legal assistant will understand why I think this is so funny. There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?" He said, "Why, yes I am!" So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"

Jim was talking to his new bride, Mary, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby.  How am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he said excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'." Rob was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "Honey -- I... I... promise. I didn't pinch that girl." His wife smiled and said consolingly, "Of course you didn't, sweetheart. I did."

A man is driving very slowly up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road, also very slowly. As the two meet and pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man is shocked and angered. So he immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next sharp turn, he crashes into the pig standing in the middle of the road.

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem anymore," the man replied. "But now my wife does."

It's 4:00 AM at a casino. Two bored workers are waiting for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that, she strips off her blouse and bra. Naked from the waist up, she rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new shirt!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I  WIN! I WIN!" She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just  stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

An old man walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini on the beach. "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I will give you twenty dollars to feel your breasts" he says. "Get away from me! "I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. "NO! Get away from me" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. This time, she thinks for a moment, but says, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he says. She thinks, well, he he seems old and harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.  She loosens her bikini top. He slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." Out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...  OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story ? asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the poultry market. We had a doze eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Bart, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay. You released me from the lamp, but this is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!!! No, think of another wish." The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So... I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying... know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...." The genie paused to think for a moment and then said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

John said to Mary, "I'll bet you a dollar I can kiss you on the lips without touching them." "You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dollar that says you can't." The two dollars were placed on the table. John then threw his arms around Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips!" John pushed the two bills toward her, shrugged and said, "So I lose."

A woman and her husband interrupt their vacation to go to the dentist. After waiting up front impatiently for a few minutes, they are called back to an examining room. When the dentist enters the room, the woman is very direct. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," she said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, throw some gauze on it and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "I don't think I could have a tooth extracted without drugs, no matter how much of a hurry I was in. Which tooth is it?" The woman turns to her husband and says, "Show him your bad tooth, dear."

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The   woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E." St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?" "Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. So, after a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Smith's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a Proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy Father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, no one can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try different positions & I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of . . . " gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um....... equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod ??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Ma'am ?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted!"