A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried
to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you,
for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a
dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and
again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are
a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen
doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good
man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more
lawyers waiting for a haircut.|
Once upon a time
there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special
powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first
glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and
so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a
magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant
you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them
now." The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest
to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit.
"I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a
magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for
every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and the bear
wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself
a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last
wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the
motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out
An American is having breakfast one morning while in Paris:
(coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next
to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "Americans eat the whole bread, crusts and all??" American (in a bad
mood): "Of course." Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In
France, we only eat the insides. Crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his
face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with
the bread??" American: "Of Course." Frenchman: (cracking his gum between
his teeth and chuckling,) "! We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell the jam to the States." The American then asks: "Do you
have safe sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a
smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you use them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In
America, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell
them to France."
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away
and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The
good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pickup line in Alabama? Nice tooth!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator
told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?"
asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally
Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you
call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the
front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried
chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat,
and one to watch out for traffic.
Why did God invent armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have
'possum on the halfshell.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented
anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Georgia State Lottery? The
winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone
has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock,
Arkansas burned down? Yep! Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets
divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40!!
Two Mississippians were walking down different ends of a street
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy
Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how
many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both
of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a
hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer. (P.C. - mobile
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed
next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is
on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18
or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A
full set of teeth.
A man was invited to dinner by his elderly neighbors. The old
gentleman endearingly preceded every request to his wife with "Honey, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.". The man was impressed since the couple had been married
almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to the old gentleman,
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still refer
to your wife in those endearing terms." The elderly husband just hung his head and
said, "Actually, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
George W. was thrilled at being able to spend his first night in
the White House, but something very strange happened. On the first night he was awakened
by George Washington's ghost.... "President Washington, what is the best thing I
could do to help the country?" Bush asked. "Set an honest and honorable example,
just as I did," advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush
couldn't sleep well and the next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush
asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," advised Jefferson.
Bush still couldn't sleep well and the next night he saw another ghostly figure moving in
the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do
to help the country?", Bush asked. Lincoln replied, "Take in a play."
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of
going home, he squandered the weekend and his paycheck partying with the boys, never
calling his wife. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a furious
wife. After a couple of hours of yelling and screaming his wife asked, "How would you
like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" He responded, "That would
suit me just fine!" So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went with the same result. By Thursday, the swelling went down enough
so that he could see her a little... just out of the corner of his left eye.
Little Billy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station. While there, they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The
label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted." One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
policeman, "the detectives want him very badly." So Little Billy asked,
"Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking
about their ailments: "My arms are so weak, I can hardly hold this cup of
coffee," said one. "Ha! My cataracts are so bad, I can't even see my
coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis
in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. "I guess
that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his
head. Then there was a short moment of silence... "Well, it's not all
bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother,
"How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very
weak." The son then asked why she was so weak. She said it was because she
hadn't eaten in 38 days. The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38
days?" She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
when you called."
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class
on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few
minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her
legs. The man is about to go nuts. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had
all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says; "Three times you've sneezed and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are
you sending me or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" The woman replies, "I
am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I
have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says,
"Bless me, Father,for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest
asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?" "I surely can't be tellin' you,
Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out
sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I
cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it
Cathy Morgan?" "My Lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald,
then?" "Please Father, I cannot tell you." The Priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and
you must atone. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean
slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Five good leads," says
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a
national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation,
as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by
more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he
was being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her
and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call
her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was
Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name?" was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. He replied, "L-O-W
An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset. Upon making
several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was yet another
false alarm, so he stay put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out of the hospital window. A drunk was walking
by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging
his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk
stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole
incident walked up and asked, "What is going on here?" Still staring down at his
feet, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!"
An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so
advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany,
"we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so
advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks". The American doctor, not to be outdone, said
"Hah!". We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House
and half the country will be looking for work the next day." !
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to
each other,outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are
you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I
had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What
are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid,
turning ghostly white, says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk
for a year!"
A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course
lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be
careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to
repair." Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window
of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to
watch out...now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive
is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, Come
on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch
said, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Ooh yeah, we're sure
sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I
want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's
great!" the husband said." He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like
a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, you've got it,
it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked
looking at the wife. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." The genie said.
"And now, they both asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years,
my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said,
"Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs
where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly,
and afterwards, as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked, "Tell me,
how old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded
breathlessly. "No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you idiots still believe
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell
rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her see who's at the door, so she
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her
next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500
dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her
$500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and
runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It
was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did
he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason
is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for the
priest's opinion. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the
Sabbath." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he
decides to ask a minister. The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him.
Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is
definitely play." The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others are convinced that sex is work?" The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my
wife would have the maid do it."
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married
within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their
married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing
their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a
"code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets
married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL
COFFEE HOUSE". Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is
happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that
reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses
ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy. Then it
is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still
no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS". And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but
this time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the
door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute.
Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man
says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while
later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the
man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint
you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low,
they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens
the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And
just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said
the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts.
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Theme Party - Come as
a Human Emotion." On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He
says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the
guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in
and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather bow wrapped round her
most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you
come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love
it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for
the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked,
one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a
pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you
doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion
is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin' discustid,
and my friend here has come in dispair."
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in
the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on a sofa enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a
very important client but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I
approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some
very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick
"Hello Joel" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while
I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned
around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Joel, what's happening?" To which I
replied, "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage
in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come
first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come
together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You
foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't
talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella
While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered.
A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the
engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over;
suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the
other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from
the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his
demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot
calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under
the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the
package to his or her back. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't
those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I
thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied
the pilot as the third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? -- 45
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? --45
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same,
but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the
same, but you get the remote.
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they
just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest
with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them
properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking? -- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and
"Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? --
after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
-- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who
can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman
who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A
battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has the biggest breasts? -- The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? -- When you take it
off you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? -- Two mothers-in-law.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around
in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a
A. His body.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make
90% of their decisions.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell
him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"