|A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know
'if the coast is clear'."
Two blondes are
walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it
up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde
hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse
to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant? "Is it mine?"
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was
applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper
exclaimed, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.Are
you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" The officer asked as he surveyed the
wrecked car "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was
ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and
there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There
isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby
was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!
This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews
the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a
commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU
SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then
said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends." So then God went to the Assyrians
and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a
commandment?" "Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT
STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy." So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a
commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free." The
Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and
comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified,
Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be
asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing
too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a
tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd
still be alive today!"
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't Let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to Go to the ball, but only on
two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and
your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees. The appointed hour comes
and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking
love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy
godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't
remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain
about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to
see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try little sandpaper wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing
happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,
"Who needs a girlfriend?"
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to
him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh,
I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it
all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay
down on the ground and spread her legs wide "Here," she said, "You must put
it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?" "Just checking for bees" said
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied,
"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,"Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial
embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth and the
woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the
woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering
if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out
and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's
pretend that we're married." The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!" The woman
says, "GOOD.....Get your own f---ing blanket."
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next
to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest,
thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I
didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't
have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager
asked. "One." "Only one." "How much was the sale?"
"$58,334.00" Flabbergasted the manager asked him to explain. The boy said,
"First I sold the man a fishhook. Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked him
where he was planning to fish, and he replied down the coast. So I suggested he'd need a
boat - he bought that six-metre motor boat. When he said his car might not be able to pull
it, I took him to the auto department and sold him a big vehicle." The amazed boss
asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" "No,"
the salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's
migraine. I told him, 'Your weekend's shot. you should probably go fishing.'"
The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. had just finished giving a
speech, and walked out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They shake
hands and as they walk, the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about
what I have seen in America". The American responds "Well your Excellency,
anything I can do to help you I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches
this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any
Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star
Trek." The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the
The young bride approached her eager husband on their wedding
night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30
years, he going along with her demand for $20 thinking it was a cute way for her to buy
new clothes, etc. She arrived home around noon one day, and found her husband in a very
drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused
by corporate down sizing and it's effects on him, a 50 year-old junior executive. Calmly,
she loaded him into her car and drove to a downtown hotel. Pointing to the fine structure
she informed him that he owned the land It was built on and that they paid him $6000 per
month rent. She then handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years,
totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward
the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and
informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30
years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her
investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had
known what you were doing, I would have given you ALL of my business!"
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about
Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does
everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams
of morphine every 10 hours, but instead she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours! He damn
near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I
told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours, but instead she tried to give him 24
enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this
bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" exclaimed the first
doctor. "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for
an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late, the
man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a
mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had
precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making
love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting and sweating. I
thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has
screwed him for ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather
brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling:
Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me? The attorney, using sign language,
asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back: I
don't know what you are talking about. The attorney tells the Godfather: He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol,
puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: Ask him again! The attorney signs to
the underling: He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him! The underling signs back:
OK! OK! The money is in a brown suitcase! You know my cousin Enzo in The Bronx! It's
buried in his back yard in the floor of his shed! Please don't kill me! The Godfather asks
the attorney: Well, what'd he say?? The attorney replies: He says you don't have the
balls to pull the trigger.....
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They got
undressed and stepped into the showers before they realized there was no soap. Father John
says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars
of soap in his hands and heads back. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's
a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the firstnun..."It's a soap dispenser." To test
her theory the second nun also pulls his tool .... and sure enough he drops the
other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice,
and three times, but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight,
she yells.... "Hand lotion!"
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They
immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in
the Hamptons and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then
decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They
found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate. The day
after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they
were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight,
when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied,
"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family carHis father took
him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal wityou. You bring your grades up,
study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss
his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said,
"Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied
the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young
man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had
long hair." The rabbi said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who
decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.
Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules. The decision
was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following
him one day later. The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.
However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off
without realizing his error. In another part of the country, a widow had just returned
from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to
glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to
hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a
loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman's son rushed into the room and found
his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following
message: "To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. P.S. Sure is hot down
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to
review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi,
asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and
Chanukah candles. The Rabbi, anxious to show the auditor that nothing went to waste,
responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the
Temple new candles. "What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?"
asked the IRS auditor. "Simple." the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the
crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal." "All
right," said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know you're a moyel as well as
a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "Easy."
said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC and they send us little pricks like
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read
her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach
up to touch his wrinkled cheek. Then, she would touch her own cheek, thoughtfully. Finally
she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?' "Yes, sweetheart," he answered,
"God made me a long time ago." "Did God make me too?" she asked.
"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while
ago." She touched his face and then her own again. "He's getting better at it,
isn't He?" she said ...
My dentist shared a good one with me on Thursday. He recounts
how he was sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber
gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said,
"No?" "Well", he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have
this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank,
and dip their hands in - and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up - then
they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around
again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure,
he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. She explained,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners
Come in. Come into my humbleshop." So the married couple walked in. The
Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested
in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was
really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man,
"how could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied,
"Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much
badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto
his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years
-- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the
Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person
asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your
retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a
red Corvette?" The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Super Grannie: Defender of Justice --- An elderly lady did her
shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at
the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you
scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like
mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get
her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few
minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded
her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the
story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman
described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large
handgun. No charges were filed.
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as
President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the
television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A
customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few
minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end
of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush
country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the
Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 black kids who were fishing pulled him out of the
water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says,
"I want to go to Disneyland." W says, "No problem. I'll take you there on
Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air
Jordan's." W says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign
them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV
and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't
look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I
saved your ass from drowning!!!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying them all. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had
just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting
the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with
exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced
this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and
screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very
serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an
ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed like
hell," he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3
day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 year old babe
dressed in shorts and tank top with a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
promised. So, he calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he
has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her
neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her
like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had.
For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day
he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for
broke and calls the company to order the 7day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?",
asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The
next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that
reads, "If I catch you, I can have you
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his
bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk
of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the
back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing
happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally, he could stand it
no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good
about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and
screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass."
A health food guru was giving a speach "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and
said, "Wedding cake."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this
next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says,
"Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if
I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and
says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and
says "Sure.", and he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet
another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says "Certainly!", and again he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks
to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I"ve really
not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you
will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you." says the golfer. I'm Father
Don't you just love it when the devil gets outsmarted?
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it" Hillary agreed,
and in all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of
their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked
inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and
put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious
as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no
longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "Bill I am so sorry. For all
these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans
in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in
the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but
said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but
temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do
you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box
filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an
argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex
more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when
your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out,
which feels better-your ear or your finger?"