A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an obese older woman in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir"

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class when his good looking female teacher asks him, 'If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, and a hunter comes along and shoots one of the birds, how many birds are left?' Johnny answers, 'None.' The teacher says, 'No Johnny, that's wrong. If there are three birds, and the hunter shoots one, how many are left?' 'None.' 'No Johnny, that's wrong! How do you figure?' Johnny explains, 'When the hunter shoots his gun, the birds fly away, so there are none left.' 'Oh, I see. Well that's not the answer that I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking;' she says. Johnny starts in, 'Well, ok then. I have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a curb eating Popsicles. The first one is licking her Popsicle, the second is sucking her Popsicle, and the third is biting her Popsicle. Which one of the women is married?'The teacher stammers, 'Well, let me see. I guess the one who is sucking her popsicle?' 'No, actually its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking.'

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station. After a couple of hours, she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in Honest John's used car lot. The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon." "Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" "We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now. He look at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like i have ge written on my forehead? I don't think so. Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right. To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break. I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps. He says, does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said, so what kind of cake did you bake? She replied, hellooooo.... Do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!" God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK,. Ummmmm...five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks??"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: [You're going to hate me for this]: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said."You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife," The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

At London's Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!". "I've been circumcised," the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told  that there was a fortune in horse raising, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so  high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since  he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in  the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he  ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get  rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to  get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy  back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day!

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milton, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead into our world. We all talk to them! Last week, I spoke with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milton, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!" Milton Pitzel could not resist. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milton sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. They were all humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in a trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?" Milton swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milton. "This is your Milton! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. I am with your Bubbie, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" Milton asked his Zayde a dozen more questions, and his Zayde answered each one until Zayde said, "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. I can answer only one more question. Ask. Ask." "Zayde," sighed Milton, "When did you learn to speak English?"

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"  "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz the writer. "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check," replied the guide.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen. I outrank you. So tray-up bitch."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, " Look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today. "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." (Her trial starts next month.)

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" The little girl in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet sweet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day." Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10.00 in his wallet, he buys a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100.00 before going to sleep that night. Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned. "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" "Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"
By definition, a fable must have a moral-this one has four:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a veterinarian ..."

The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation family owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up. The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still ... things looked very precarious. The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi. He poured out the story, with tears running down his face about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building this once-thriving business. He ended by asking plaintively, "So Rabbi, what should I do?" The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and then quietly intoned: "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair, and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge. Sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind from the sea rifle the pages of the open Bible ..." "Yes Rabbi ...yes?!..." encouraged the business owner, completely at a loss for any better ideas. "... and ven the pages stop turning in the vind I vant you should look down at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you must do." pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty. A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man) returns to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new $2000 handmade Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink coat; they had driven to see the Rabbi in their brand BMW 740i Sedan. The business owner discretely pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an envelope to him, stuffed with money. "Rabbi" he whispered, "this is a little something for you and your wife, and here's also a check for $25,000. toward your congregation.". The Rabbi, although very old, remembered the man. "So, you did vat I said?" "Absolutely!" "You vent to the beach?" "Yes I did!" "And you sat in the beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap?" "Yes Rabbi. Absolutely!" "And you let the vind rifle through the pages until they stopped?" "Absolutely!" "And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?" "Chapter Eleven."

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? A: Juan on Juan.

Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: Why does a man have a hole in his penis? A: To get some air to his brain.

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: One US leader.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Donuts.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians a room together? A: 100 people who don't do dick.

Nursery Rhymes...

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, He's only an egg.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

I normally avoid discussing any advice received from our broker but felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company or the Northern Tissue Company. Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A blond lady came in and asked for a "seven ten cap". We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there." One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics. One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap." (Note: (for those of you that truly are slow) If you read "710" upside down ... it is spells OIL!!)