Little Mary was not the best student in Religion Class. Usually she slept through the whole period. One day Sister called on her while she was napping,"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a smart ass boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep. A while later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then Sister asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" And Sister fainted.

The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mother: "I've won the election, you've got to come to the Inauguration!" "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, Christian Dior is designing a dress just for you." "But I only eat kosher food." "The Rabbinical Assembly is sending a mashgiach to kosher the entire White House." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send Air Force One to pick you up." "But where will I sleep?" "You will sleep in the Lincoln Room and I'm having a mikvah built just for you." "OK, OK, if it makes you happy, I'll come." The great day comes and Mama is seated between Trent Lott and Chairman Hastert on the West Front of the Capitol. Mama nudges the Senator and says; "See that girl up there with her hand on the bible?" Senator Lott says, "Yes." "Her brother is a doctor."

A kindergartner walked up to his teacher and told her he found a frog. The  teacher asked if the frog was dead or alive. The little boy replied, "Oh, it's dead." "How do you know it's dead?" asked the teacher. "I pissed in it's ear." "You what????!!!" asked the teacher. "You know," said the little boy. "I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it   didn't move. So it must be dead."

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."

Brother Bob entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother Bob lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Chief Priest said to him: "Brother Bob, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words." Brother Bob said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Brother Bob was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother Bob." "Cold Food." said Brother Bob, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother Bob into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother Bob. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!" Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him come quicker than ever. The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?" "Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer. "You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.  She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina. So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation."   "I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries ? "

There were three men who worked at the same factory, a Polish guy, an Italian, and a Russian. Everyday they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they met and decided that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. Sure enough, the boss left early and so did they. The Russian goes home and rests so he can get an early start in the morning. The Italian goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home, walks into his bedroom and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and the Russian are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." When they ask him why not, he says, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my head can have sex with me tonight." An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant." Bessie thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the pints, and were stuck in the thick heads. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!

One night a man and a woman doctor are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" Yeah, how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" "Because I didn't feel a thing."

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp  on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty". He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was  confused and asked. "what are you doing taking your clothes off? The wife replied, "you were playing with my "kitty" I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "no, not at all." The wife then asked, "well, what the hell were you doing then?" I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

A father and his son are in the local pharmacy, and the boy notices the condom rack and asks his dad what they are and what they are for. The man tells his son that he'll explain what they are when he gets a little older. The boy then asks why are there so many different sized boxes. The father says, well there are 3 packs, and they are for young, high school boys; one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. The boy says, well what about the 6 pack. The father says, they are for college boys; two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday. Then the boy asks about the 12 packs. The father replies, well son, those are for married men; one for January, one for February ......

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV, there aren't," she replied.

A cowboy walks into a bar in a town he'd never been to before. This town is known for their vehement harrassment of strangers, and that's exactly what happens to the cowboy the whole time he's in the bar. He finally tires of it, finishes his beer and walks out the door only to discover his horse is missing. He walks back into the bar, removes his pistol from the holster, shoots once in the air, and says, "Alright, my horse is missing and I'm not happy about it. I'm going to sit down here at the bar and have me another beer, and by the time I'm finished with it my horse better be standing outside or I'm just gonna have to do what I did in Dallas last time this happened to me!!." Of course this scares everyone to death and nobody even whispers while he drinks his second beer. He finishes it, walks outside, and his horse has been returned! The bartender follows him outside and meekly says, "Excuse me mister, but if you don't mind me asking, what did you do in Dallas?" The cowboy says....  "I . . .  walked home."

A high school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass jock in the back of the class asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did it's best to stifle there laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Nu, Moishe, what's new?" "Abe," he says "I'm into racehorses at the moment. I had a couple of real winners and made a lot of money already." "Really? How can I get into it, Moishe?" "Well, I have a horse I am looking to sell. It made 24 starts and won 9. I can let you have it for $120,000.00" Abe agreed and gave Moishe a check for $120,000.00. Three days later, Moishe was anxiously waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside it, was a dead racehorse. A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks. "Moishe, nu, what's new?" "Uum, things are well. And with you?" "Things are great!" "Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?" "Not at all, Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money." "How is that? He was dead!" "Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize." "Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?" "Yes, he was. So I gave him back his $5."

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

One morning while golfing, Sidney had to relieve himself. Looking around, and seeing nobody in sight, Sidney started pissing behind a bush...when finished he heard a voice. "Shame on you!" He turned around to see a woman standing there. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm Mother Nature and you just urinated on my buttercups. so therefore, there will be no more butter for you." "Oh what a relief," he said, "I could have pissed on the pussy willows."

A woman walks into a doctors office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over." The doctor said, "That's impossible." "No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! It really hurts," she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude female model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and then all the other bells began to ring....

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.  The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"  The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP, 2. WON'T RUN AWAY, 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED. For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

A doctor walked into the bank, preparing to endorse a check. He pulled a  rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing  his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well, that's just great, just great ... some asshole's got my pen.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Er... Who drives you to the beach?"

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?" Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife." Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

A guy walks into a supermarket and buys:, 1 bar of soap, 1 toothbrush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1 gallon of milk, 1 single serving of cereal, and 1 single frozen dinner.  The checkout girl looks at him and says, 'Single, huh?' The guy sarcastically replies, 'How'd you guess?' She says, 'Because you're fucking ugly.'

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.   "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."  The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

A golfer came home after a long day at the golf course to find his wife sitting naked in front of a mirror. He asked her what she was doing. She explained, "Our doctor told me today that I have the breasts of a twenty-year-old." The golfer asked, "What did he say about your fifty-year-old ass?" She replied, "Darling, we didn't talk about you."

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that, there must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean.  She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist.  And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked.  "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"  The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."  "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.  "I'm nineteen," he replied.  "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Two elderly woman were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping The Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

In a little Italian village, a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she wacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could. He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could. When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?" "That's for knowing the difference."