This old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. Doctor: "You are in great shape for a 60 year-old." Guy: "Who says I'm 60 years old?" Doctor: "You're not 60 ?! How old are you?" Guy: "Turn 80 next month." Doctor: "Gosh, 80!! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?" Guy: "Who says my father's dead?" Doctor: "He's *not* dead?!" Guy: "Nope, he's 104 this year." Doctor: "With such a good family medical history your grandfather   must have been pretty old when he died." Guy: "Who says my grandfather's dead?" Doctor: "He's not dead?!?!" Guy: "Nope, he'll be 129 this year and he's getting married next week." Doctor: "Gee-wiz! Why at his age would he want to get married?" Guy: "Who says he wants to?"

A Day Of Sadness ----- I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about: There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry La Prise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in, he put his...... well, you know the rest.

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem." The doctor sends him into his examination room. He examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week. "It all cleared up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?" The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."

A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?" The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..." That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?"  The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow..." His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help." "The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???" "Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

The phone rang at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left. The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah dey did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about  50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

JIM NOTICES HIS FATHER GETTING VERY FORGETFUL SO HE TAKES HIM TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE FOR AN ALZHEIMERS TEST.THERE ARE TWO OTHER PATIENTS THERE ALSO FOR THE SAME TEST.THE DOCTOR ASKS THE FIRST PATIENT HOW MUCH IS TWO AND TWO? HE ANSWERS 9000.HE THEN ASKS THE SECOND PATIENT THE SAME QUESTION.HIS REPLY IS THURSDAY.THEN HE ASKS JIMS FATHER THE SAME QUESTION.AFTER A SHORT TIME THINKING HE REPLYS FOUR.AFTER LEAVING THE DOCTORS OFFICE,JIM ASKS HIS FATHER HOW HE DERIVED AT HIS ANSWER?HIS REPLY WAS THAT HE DIVIDED 9000 INTO THURSDAY.

There were this couple trying to save some money for new clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in a jar everytime they had sex and they both agreed to it. So after about 8 months it was time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were $20, $50 and even $100 dollar bills coming out of the savings jar. The Husband started questioning what happened, and the wife says, "Not everyone is as cheap as you."

A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their Rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, is it true that men and women still don't dance together?" "Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately." "So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," replies the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage, to have Jewish children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!" "Women on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" is the response. "Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!" "Without clothes?" "Of course! It's a mitzvah!" "Even on the table?" "Of course! It's a mitzvah!" "Well, what about standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" says the rabbi. "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"...

Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raise up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy stake on Friday night, they began to squirm.   They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:  You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking ketchup on the beef saying:  You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.

A woman goes into a discount department store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, went to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her. She explains that she would like a refund because the toaster she bought doesn't work. He replies by telling her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?" The woman replies "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy  costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.  "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.  "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after he was back for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull twice, and I come."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he demanded silence. "My sword! Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady.  But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Precisely!" said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast.

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "What do you mean....I'm telling everybody."

A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over as whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know What?," says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'ass', ok?" "Ok." the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.  After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his  front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.  Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who were members of our church and died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 8:00 or the 11:00 service?

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and  cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.  The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."  the chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.  The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please."  the chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork."  the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.  The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?"  The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing  oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that." The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute." She  gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition  of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I have poisoned you?

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read,  "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.  You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a   cork in his butt. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um  you one wish.'  And I said, 'No shit!'"

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first one says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), " I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics living there... " The second guy speaks up and says, " I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living there..." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..." One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics there."

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting my family will never forget!

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, the Pope, two giraffes and a duck, an old yellow dog, a farmer and his daughter, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a Scotsman and a rednect all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into a handsome young prince.  Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so!"

In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in   Cartagena, Spain for a week's shore leave. The first  evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady: Dear Captain, On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of  age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich,  unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. One last  point: No Jews---We don't like Jews. Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out,    "There must be some mistake." "Madam," said the first officer,  "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

A kid walks in on his parents while they are having sex and says, "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?" The father replies, "Were playing poker and your mom is the wild card." A couple days later he walks in on his grandparents having sex and he asks, "Grandpa, what are you doing to grandma?" His grandpa says, "Were playing poker and your grandma is the wild card." A couple days later the mother walks in the kid’s bedroom while he is spanking the monkey and she asks him what he is doing. He says, "With this good of a hand, who needs a wild card."

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What did  *your* husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck,' I learned to say  'Well, isn't that nice'

Jim and Bob are in a the same room in a nursing home. Jim is setting on the porta potty acting like he is driving.  The nurse comes in the room and ask Jim what the hell he is doing and Jim replies he is going to Chicago. Bob is laying on the bed sound a sleep. Later in the night the nurse comes in the room and Jim is still on the porta potty cussing and acting like he is driving. The nurse ask what is wrong? Jim replies the traffic and the people in Chicago are driving him nuts. The nurse starts to leave, but looks over at Bob in bed and he is masturbating. She says Bob what are you doing? Bob says "OH! I AM SCREWING JIM'S WIFE WHILE HE IS OUT OF TOWN."

A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.  Everyone in the asylum starts chanting  "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A devout Catholic woman was married for ten years and had eight children by her first husband. Unfortunately, he passed away. She remarried soon after, and had six more children by her second husband. Unfortunately, he also passed away after nine years. She remarried again the following year and had three more children by her third husband. Sadly, after her third child was born, she developed complications and she herself passed away. There were many mourners at her funeral, and her priest gave her a very dignified farewell mass. At the end of the service, he stood by her casket, touched her hand, and said, "At last, they can be together now." Her widower, the third husband, overheard and asked, "Do you mean her first husband or her second husband?"   "Neither," said the priest. "I was referring to her legs."