Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny,
an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and
Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and
Savior," but Marydidn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said,
"Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third
question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again,
Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.|
This old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. Doctor: "You are in
great shape for a 60 year-old." Guy: "Who says I'm 60 years old?" Doctor:
"You're not 60 ?! How old are you?" Guy: "Turn 80 next month." Doctor:
"Gosh, 80!! Do you mind if I ask you at what age your father died?" Guy:
"Who says my father's dead?" Doctor: "He's *not* dead?!" Guy:
"Nope, he's 104 this year." Doctor: "With such a good family medical
history your grandfather must have been pretty old when he died." Guy:
"Who says my grandfather's dead?" Doctor: "He's not dead?!?!" Guy:
"Nope, he'll be 129 this year and he's getting married next week." Doctor:
"Gee-wiz! Why at his age would he want to get married?" Guy: "Who says he
A Day Of Sadness ----- I don't usually pass on news like this,
but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about: There was a great loss
recently in the entertainment world. Larry La Prise, the Detroit native who wrote the song
"Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family
to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in, he put his...... well, you know the
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a
helicopter. Ten were men and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get
off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could
decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she
would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for
their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black
eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next
thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her
house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you
get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I
stepped on the same rake."
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please
help me! I've got a problem." The doctor sends him into his examination room. He
examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an
ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week. "It all cleared
up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave
me?" The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."
A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber.
"Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?" The barber replies, "Go home
and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..." That night the young man does as the
barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the
slime on his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?" The other man
replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would
grow..." His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case
you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she
collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband
ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked
up his club and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up
her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry
dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'll come and help." "The
second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???" "Hey! I told ya not to
worry." he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let
him play through."
The phone rang at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling
to report my neighbor Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This
will be noted." Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They
searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no
marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left. The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey,
Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your
firewood?" "Yeah dey did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need
my garden plowed."
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind
the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200
women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I
know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?" The woman replied: "Well, that first hearse is for my
husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked
and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog
turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're
all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to
bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy
asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the
end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I
studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open
up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He
says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close.
I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and
he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
JIM NOTICES HIS FATHER GETTING VERY FORGETFUL SO HE TAKES HIM TO
THE DOCTORS OFFICE FOR AN ALZHEIMERS TEST.THERE ARE TWO OTHER PATIENTS THERE ALSO FOR THE
SAME TEST.THE DOCTOR ASKS THE FIRST PATIENT HOW MUCH IS TWO AND TWO? HE ANSWERS 9000.HE
THEN ASKS THE SECOND PATIENT THE SAME QUESTION.HIS REPLY IS THURSDAY.THEN HE ASKS JIMS
FATHER THE SAME QUESTION.AFTER A SHORT TIME THINKING HE REPLYS FOUR.AFTER LEAVING THE
DOCTORS OFFICE,JIM ASKS HIS FATHER HOW HE DERIVED AT HIS ANSWER?HIS REPLY WAS THAT HE
DIVIDED 9000 INTO THURSDAY.
There were this couple trying to save some money for new
clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in
a jar everytime they had sex and they both agreed to it. So after about 8 months it was
time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were $20, $50 and even $100 dollar bills
coming out of the savings jar. The Husband started questioning what happened, and the wife
says, "Not everyone is as cheap as you."
A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding,
meets with their Rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any last
questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, is it true that men and women
still don't dance together?" "Yes," says the rabbi. "For modesty
reasons, men and women dance separately." "So at our wedding, I can't dance with
my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "Well, okay," says the
man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," replies the rabbi. "A mitzvah
within the marriage, to have Jewish children!" "What about different
positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a
mitzvah!" "Women on top?" the man asks. "Why not?" is the
response. "Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!" "Without clothes?"
"Of course! It's a mitzvah!" "Even on the table?" "Of course!
It's a mitzvah!" "Well, what about standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!"
says the rabbi. "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"...
Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and
the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused,
the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I
got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny'
speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going
to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've
got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about
that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a
story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went
out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in
front of him! He raise up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The
doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's
impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that
bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are
just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big
bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear
puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's
sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the f*cking porridge
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic comunity. Being
good Catholics they welcomed him into their comunity. But, also because they were good
Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing
some juicy stake on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that
they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic.
The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and
said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are
Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were
disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to
talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When
they saw him, he was sprinlking ketchup on the beef saying: You were born a cow. You
were raised a cow. But now you are fish.
A woman goes into a discount department store and tells the
clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk
tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a
sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "Grab my
breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, went to get the store
manager. The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her. She explains that
she would like a refund because the toaster she bought doesn't work. He replies by telling
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the
woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my
breasts!" The store manager says to her "why are you saying that?" The
woman replies "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go
to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the
door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the
hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature
ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after he was back for more. "Aren't
you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a
posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her,
screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a a naked man
outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the
little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist
looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's
probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And
how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The
dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of
what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the
party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her
feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband
asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the hell kind of costume is
that???" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains
the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was
back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over
his penis. "What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife. "I am
a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.
"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull twice, and I
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a
young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter,"
said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they
haggled before the King, until he demanded silence. "My sword! Bring me my biggest
sword," said Solomon, "and we shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall
receive a half." "Fine. Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But
the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let this other woman's
daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "Indeed, the
accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was
willing to hack him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Precisely!" said
wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for
a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just
testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing
any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an
affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest
said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never
Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "What do you
mean....I'm telling everybody."
A husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down,
the man leans over as whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby
wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says "OK,
but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes, but on her way back she trips
over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh
my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps
into bed and they have mad passionate sex for two hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to
the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat
on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."
A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know What?," says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'ass', ok?" "Ok." the 4 year
old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what
he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs
crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And
what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers,
" but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios.
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every
hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a
tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his
front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again,
jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds
sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her
mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied
the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex
asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who were members of
our church and died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
8:00 or the 11:00 service?
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've
caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you,
and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose
how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives
him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The
Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the chief gives him a pistol,
he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--
the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's
horrible. The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you
doing?" The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the
stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on
the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the
prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The
prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that." The koala
shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey
you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute." She gets up and pulls a dictionary
off a shelf and shows the koala the definition. PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment
for sexual services. The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the
definition of koala bear. KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the
altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the
pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?"The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes.... and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He
held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't
talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping
Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in
peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her
hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed.
"Why else would I have poisoned you?
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by
the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy
18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for
him that read, "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my
handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy
has a cork in his butt. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your butt?" The
other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a
puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto,
Indian Genie. I grant-um you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit!'"
There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football
game. The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move. So the first one says
to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), " I think I want to move to
California, there are only 100 Catholics living there... " The second guy speaks up
and says, " I want to move to Washington, there are only 50 Catholics living
there..." The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to move to Idaho, there are
only 25 Catholics living there..." One of the nuns turns around and looks the third
guy in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't any Catholics
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times,
as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my
daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the
yacht, the business and $1million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin
Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will -
well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
I was taking a shower when my two-year-old son came into the
bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable,
so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made
and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look at it. Puzzled, I
stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured
my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! This is one holiday greeting
my family will never forget!
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director
reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. Mr. James, your records and
your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only
sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep
into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared
him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that
took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's
relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the
wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there
was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked , "Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt
you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the
old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously gay
male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced
"The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he
had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight
attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the
big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land
the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am
called a princess. I take orders from no one." Our flight attendant replied: "Oh
yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, the
Pope, two giraffes and a duck, an old yellow dog, a farmer and his daughter, a doctor, a
lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese, an Irishman, an Englishman, a
Scotsman and a rednect all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some
kind of joke?"
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into
the princess's lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an
evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into a handsome young prince. Then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in
your castle with my mother, where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, as the princess
dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and
onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in
Cartagena, Spain for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was
more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish
lady: Dear Captain, On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should
arrive at 8 p.m. One last point: No Jews---We don't like Jews. Sure enough, at 8 PM
on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform,
four exquisitely mannered, BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling
herself together she got out, "There must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make
A kid walks in on his parents while they are having sex and
says, "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?" The father replies, "Were
playing poker and your mom is the wild card." A couple days later he walks in on his
grandparents having sex and he asks, "Grandpa, what are you doing to grandma?"
His grandpa says, "Were playing poker and your grandma is the wild card." A
couple days later the mother walks in the kids bedroom while he is spanking the
monkey and she asks him what he is doing. He says, "With this good of a hand, who
needs a wild card."
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on
the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my
first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The second
woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice." The first woman continued "When
my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see
parked in the drive." Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that
nice." The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the second woman commented,
"Well, isn't that nice." The first woman then asked her companion, "What
did *your* husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The second woman
replied "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the
first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The second woman
responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck,' I learned to
say 'Well, isn't that nice'
Jim and Bob are in a the same room in a nursing home. Jim is
setting on the porta potty acting like he is driving. The nurse comes in the room
and ask Jim what the hell he is doing and Jim replies he is going to Chicago. Bob is
laying on the bed sound a sleep. Later in the night the nurse comes in the room and Jim is
still on the porta potty cussing and acting like he is driving. The nurse ask what is
wrong? Jim replies the traffic and the people in Chicago are driving him nuts. The nurse
starts to leave, but looks over at Bob in bed and he is masturbating. She says Bob what
are you doing? Bob says "OH! I AM SCREWING JIM'S WIFE WHILE HE IS OUT OF TOWN."
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents
chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Quite curious about all this, he finds
a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye. Everyone in the
asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
A devout Catholic woman was married for ten years and had eight
children by her first husband. Unfortunately, he passed away. She remarried soon after,
and had six more children by her second husband. Unfortunately, he also passed away after
nine years. She remarried again the following year and had three more children by her
third husband. Sadly, after her third child was born, she developed complications and she
herself passed away. There were many mourners at her funeral, and her priest gave her a
very dignified farewell mass. At the end of the service, he stood by her casket, touched
her hand, and said, "At last, they can be together now." Her widower, the third
husband, overheard and asked, "Do you mean her first husband or her second
husband?" "Neither," said the priest. "I was referring to her