An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth
anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in
the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service
breakfast they begin eating in the nude. The wife says "Oh Harold! This is just like
fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!" To which he replies
"Well, they ought to, Gladys... One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in
In the middle of a forest,
there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all
attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as
he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very
steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear
closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The sky
darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear
came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked
up into the sky and said, "Thank you,God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day
to be moving" New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly" Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor:
"I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1:
"Deductive reasoning, what is that? "New Neighbor: "Let me give you and
example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right" New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog,
Leads me to deduce that you have a family. Neighbor 1: "Right again" New
Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife" Neighbor 1:
"Correct" New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual" Neighbor 1: "Yup" New Neighbor: "That is deductive
reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day Neighbor 1: "Hey, I
was talking to that new guy who moved in next door" Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice
guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job" Neighbor 2:
"Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive
reasoning at the University" Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is
that" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No" Neighbor 1: "Fag.
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked fo
a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good,
Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My Mommy
planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent,
Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful,
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spent
$5,000 and felt really good about the result. On his way home he stopped at a newstand and
bought a paper. Before leaving he said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me
asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man said, feeling really happy. After that he went into
McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply is,
"Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This made him feel really
good. While standing at the bus stop he asked an old woman the same question. She replied,
"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure
way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for
ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the
man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the
old lady said, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man said, "That was
brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replied, "I was behind you in
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office.
One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the
Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17
years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My
owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The
Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle responds, "I've
not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time,
I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why
this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is
here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something
she dropped. She was bent over and n asked when nature took over and the next thing I know
I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks,
"So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Great Dane says,
"No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One
snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car (a Ferrari)
along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the
perfect couple they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus
had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect
woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is
no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Don't be so amused just
yet......keep reading! A Male's Response So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa
Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told
me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those
times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie
they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey". After about a week, I asked
her how it was going. "Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow
she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down
to about a pack a night now."
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any
painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along
to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing
temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for
the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when
we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two
weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with
nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the
mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding
his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks
him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a
karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets
back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy
knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the
little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him
out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to,
tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
A woman walks into a local ice cream parolor and orders some
chocolate ice cream. "Sorry, we're all out of chocolate." said the owner
"Hmm," said the lady, "In that case, I'll just have a scoop of
chocolate." "No lady, you don't seem to understand, we're all out of
chocolate." "I see. Well, in that case, I'll have the chocolate instead."
"Lady," said the owner, "can you say 'VAN' as in 'Vanilla?'"
"Sure." And she said, "VAN" "And can you say 'STRAW' as in
'Strawberry?'" "Sure, STRAW" "And can you say 'FUCK' as in
'Chocolate?'" "But there is no FUCK in chocolate," the lady said
"That's what I've been trying to tell you.
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As
a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't
get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100
without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had
done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made
it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That
evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His
Dad, knowingly,explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The
next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that,
compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly"well endowed". This
confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but
mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that
she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask
a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then
asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The
accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No,
that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman
excitedly states, "I'm a chicken farmer!" The accountant is puzzled, "What
does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I
raised over 5,000 cocks last year......."
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy
has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other
guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff
of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto,
Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit.''
Two parents take their young son on a vacation and go to a nude
beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a
lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they
are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and
says... "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom
says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy
talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got !"
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel
around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the
shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight
of her shimmering form. He pulls out two new hundred dollar bills and tells her that they
are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops
the towel down and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more
hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She thinks she has
come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute,
thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower
and asks her who was at the door. She says, "Just Bill." The husband replies,
"Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So,
they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says,
"My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know
what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say,
'Pastrami,' it means push softer." With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have
sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts,
"Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney!
Baloney! Baloney!" Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making
sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here
in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are
silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't
know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink
terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 | Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 | Hand Job: $10.00 |
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one
of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of
men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well
wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and
said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked
the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were
the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and
the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is
the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Donald Duck and Minney Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided
that they wanted to have sex. Well, the first thing Minny asks is "Do you have a
condom?" and Donald says "No". Minney tells Donald that if he doesn't get a
condom that they can't have sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says
that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to
the front desk. He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms. The clerk says "yes we
do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks
"Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and Donald says "NO! WHAT DO
YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a
kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to
put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well,
tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A mother and her son were flying TWA from Indianapolis to
Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said,
"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked,
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. So the
stewardess said, "Go tell your mother that TWA always pulls out on time."
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at
his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver
steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man
starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is
the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting.
My boss, outraged, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after
I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the
cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to
this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison ..."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder. So he turns on his lights and
pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five very old ladies
- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver,
obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the
speed limit. What seems to be the problem? Ma'am, the office replies, You weren't speeding
but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
Twenty-Two miles per hour the old woman says, a bit proudly. The State Police officer,
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed
limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,
the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the
Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates,"
protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's
privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.
"We're sergeants now." So they have their drink and pretty soon a hooker
comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but
I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give
me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy
the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the
okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only
the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now."
A blonde goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to
help her and asks if she needs assistance. "I'm looking for some deodorant for my new
husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the
ball type?" "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into
labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was
brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in
a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure
enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a
great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one
besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and
asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house.
Whilst bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner states is
"magical". The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door. One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into the mirror
said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44." And lo and behold it
came true! She ran down the stairs to show her husband, who was utterly amazed. He
proceeded to run up to the bedroom, and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor." And then his legs
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with
lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch,
he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone
interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over
to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I
guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on
to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said,
'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised
as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is
it midnight already?"
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy
in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help
them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say
that I believe I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the
grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and
you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love
canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape
using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from
across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.
Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the dooughnut." The couple
went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr.
& Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and
said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good
as it will ever be, I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You
helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all
right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery
store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on
their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the
project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look
at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into
the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella
sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella
with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you
must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin." Editor's note: Ouch. Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up,
looking love-struck and *very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the
fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?" "I can't
remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits
down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around. The
monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then he grabs a wedge of
lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table
where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole! The bartender shrieks,
"Hey, Mister, your fucking monkey ate my cue ball!" The guy replies, "Yeah,
he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays for everything,
apologizes and exits. Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down
and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail
cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks,
"Mister, your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!" The man
replies, "Yeah, I know! After the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear,"Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they
decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda. The first woman said:
"I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain
and always wants to do it!" The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce
"7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!" The third woman
said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two women responded:
"Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the
night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad
at me for sucking my *thumb*"
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father
could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your
father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the
wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does
that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man,
"It means you can take your pick."
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a
mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they
kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the
other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I
said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No...But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a
farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they'll
keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he's at the bank getting the money. But
when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a
shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick
TEN of any fruit or vegetable. The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. "Shove
them up you ass," orders the farmer. The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and
gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking
up with laughter, but finally gets the job done. "You're free to go," the farmer
says to him, "but do you mind if I ask what's SO damn funny?" Collapsing with
laughter once again, the salesman says, "The third bloke's still out there, picking
A married couple retire to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much
larger than the petite woman, takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying
"Put these on."The woman replies "but they are too big for me..."
"put them on anyway " She puts them on, they fall down, and she says "I
can't fit into these..." He Replies "That's right, now just remember who wears
the pants in this family". The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over
to her husband,saying "Put these on." He looks at them and says "I can't
get into these..." She replies "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in
the future unless you change your attitude!"