A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."

A 90 year old man was sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walked by and asked him what was wrong. Through his tears the old man answered, "I'm in love with a 25 year old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asked the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles the man answered: "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work we make love...At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then, at supper time, and all night long, we make love." The man broke down, no longer able to speak. The young man put his arm around the old man. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you crying?" The senile old man answered, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss leaves and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start the next morning. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says,  "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

What do you call a room full of 50 lesbians with machine guns? ----- Militia Etheridge.

Did you hear they found Martina Navratalova dead this past week? Yeah, she was found floating face-down in Rikki Lake.

NEW, POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM FOR LESBIAN: Vagetarian.

A few days before Christmas, Joe went shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally found one for a great price, but it was missing a seal. Therefore, whenever it rains, he must smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend had him over for Christmas dinner to meet her her parents. He drove his new bike to her house, where she waited outside for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," she told him. "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dishes. Since then, we haven't done any. Now, the first person to speak, to say anything at all, at dinner has to do them." Joe sat down for dinner and it was just how she described it. Dishes were piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody said a word. Joe then decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her on the table, and had sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend became flustered, her dad was obviously livid, and her mom was horrified by the time Joe sat back down, but no one said a word. A few minutes later he grabbed her mom, threw her on the table and did a repeat performance. His girlfriend became extremely furious, her dad boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there was complete silence at the table. All of a sudden, there was a loud clap of thunder as it began to rain. Joe remembered his motorcycle. He jumped up and grabbed his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backed away from the table and screamed, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F------ DISHES!!"

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" The cabbie initiates conversation,"Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie says, "About dis celibacy thing. You tellin' me you never think about doin' it? The nun says, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie says, "Well, wouldya ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun says, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it. The cabbie says, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun says, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children." The cabbie says, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break ya vows. All ya gotta do is go down on me." The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

A young man got a job in a local pickle factory. The older fellows he worked with were always teasing him and daring him to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Finally, not being able to take the ribbing and taunts any longer, he said he would do it. No sooner had he put his penis in the pickle slicer than the foreman caught him and fired him on the spot. He went home and his wife asked why he was home so early. He said, "Well the guys have been making my life miserable by teasing me and daring me to put my penis in the pickle slicer. So today I thought I would shut them up and do it. The foreman caught me and he fired me." She was very concerned, but he assured her that everything was normal and in workable condition. She said, "Well if you're okay, did anything happen to the pickle slicer?" "Oh", he answered, "she was fired too."

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?", he asked. The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion. "Ah", replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained.....to perform oral sex upon women." At this the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relexed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When th clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?", she asked petulantly. "Yes, I do", said the man. Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time....."

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He's shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told hte young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which could have amounted $3 million, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business wih on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet," She stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 AM tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was okay. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being there, she informed hin that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involeved. "Well," she asked, "What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000 richer!". The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?", the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow". The stewardess, somewhat flustered brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "and get me another whisky you bitch!" Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: " I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow go and get it or I'll give you a slap!" In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!"

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. 'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'"

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:  Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Energizer Bunny Obituary It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 1:30 am, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.. Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.....

NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES -- Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.....

An elderly lady complains to the M.D. that she passes gas many times a day. "It's really more of a nuisance than a problem", she explains, "they're silent and they don't smell." The M.D. gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a week. She returns and says,"I don't know what it was you gave me, doc, but I still pass gas all the time, it is still silent, but it smells terribly!" The M.D.replies, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll see what we can do for your hearing."
My friends and I were talking earlier this year about John Wayne and Lorena getting back together after their "falling out" and subsequnet media frenzy, and why they would ever want to get back together, whereupon I said: "I dunno, maybe he's just not such a complete dick anymore."

The UnaBomber has changed tactics; It appears that explosives are no longer so frightening to his recipients, so he has found a new way to frighten people in a way that fits in with his anti-technology viewpoint. He's taken to mailing people free copies of Windows 95.

Apparently the UnaBomber was currently working on the largest bomb he'd ever created when he was arrested. Upon searching his house they found the sequel to Waterworld.

Why are Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie splitting up? Well, they thought about the possibilities of having children and decided that it just wouldn't work out. Marie is an agnostic and Michael is a Jehovah's witness. Their kids would have been going around knocking on doors for no reason whatsoever.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, we're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up." "O.J. just found out the verdict, he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man says,"oh really, how much have you got so far." "So far....ten gallons."

From a cat's diary..... Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing
What is the difference between a man and ET? ET phoned home
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging
What is the difference between a man and a government bond? A bond matures
What did God say after creating man? I can do better
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch
What do beer bottles and men have in common? They are both empty from the neck up
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted
What do you have when you have 2 balls in your hand? His undivided attention
Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the hell out of you
Why did God create man? Because vibrators don't mow lawns
What are 2 reasons men don't mind their own business? No mind-No business
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped
What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette? Porcupines have pricks on their outside
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
How is man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
Why can't men get made cow disease? Because they're all pigs
Why do men float? Because they are scum
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So they can think with an open mind.

Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she asked. "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter. Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum." A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her granson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."

A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fishbowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on. After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen. "Oh, those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said, "they're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go screw herself because he was going fishing."

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

A newlywed sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife quite badly so he decided to write her a letter. "My darling," he wrote "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First let's see you play that harmonica!"

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell contagious!"

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife said to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

Two Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister." "Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is?  It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How is a woman like a condom? A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike? A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Q:What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A:Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A : Wiped his ass.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,  what have you done wrong?  A: Made her chain too  long

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!" Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!"

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

what do you call a man with half a brain?? --- gifted
whats the difference between government bonds and men?? --- bonds mature
what's the difference between a man and a cat fish?? --- one is a bottom feeding scum-sucker, the other is a fish
what did god say after he created man?? --- i can do better
why do men want to marry virgins?? --- they can't stand critism
what do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?? --- a mans undivided attention
what are two reasons men don't mind their own business?? --- 1. no mind      2. no business
how's a man like a snowstorm?? --- you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he'll stay
did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?? --- he know first-hand the penalty for early withdraw
why are men like laxitives?? --- they irritate the shit out of you
why do men names their penises?? --- because they like to be on first name basis with the person who makes all their decsions
why do men like to masterbate?? --- it's sex with someone they love
what's a mans view of safe sex?? --- a padded head board
why did god create man?? --- because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
Why did G-d give men penises? --- So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis? --- You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
How is a woman like a laxative? --- They both irritate the crap out of you.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for? --- Its Braille for "suck here."
Why do men die before their wives? --- They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? --- He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull? --- Lipstick.
Why do women have breasts? --- So men would talk to them.
What's the difference between a woman and a coffin? --- You come in one and go in the other.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? --- They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? --- Money.
Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf? --- They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women? --- When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? --- After 5 years your job will still suck.
What's the best thing about a blow job? --- Ten minutes of silence.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? --- A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? --- Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women? --- Hangovers will go away.
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than  to improving their minds? --- Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? --- Her navel.
Why are women like screen doors? --- Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
What's a wife? --- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? --- Wipe your penis on the curtains.
What's the most active muscle in a woman ? --- The penis.
What do you call a Playboy center-fold who's a lesbian? --- Bitch.
How can a woman tell she's flat chested? --- She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
What are the three reasons why anal sex is better then vaginal sex? --- It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to women.
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? --- They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? --- You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why did G-d make man first? --- He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
What do you call the useless piece of skin around a pussy? --- A woman.
What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig? --- A man who hates every bone in a woman's' body, except his own.
Why was the woman crossing the road? --- Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? --- None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why did G-d create lesbians? --- So feminists couldn't breed.