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A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No,no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard! Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the goodnews, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway ....... about 15 ft. "That was impressive!!," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. "Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk. "Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer. "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food." Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store. "Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food." Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says: "Two cans of cat food please." "Do you have a cat sir?" "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer. "I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food." The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see. "Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food." The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover. "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?" "Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer. "I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy. Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy "It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief)." The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm." Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what?" "The girls never showed up!"

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

Four Upscale gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months, he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks had given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell you the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the flightdeck crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane, and began walking towards the flightdeck through the center aisle. Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbled down the aisle, and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other and with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less that 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the vary last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the flightdeck, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

What do women and spaghetti have in common? They both squirm when you eat them.
What's 69 and 69? Dinner for four.
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? Being fingered by Captain Hook.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
Did you hear about the Leper Card game? One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.
What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'? About 4 inches.
When does a cub become a boy scout? When he eats his first Brownie.
Whats the difference between Like and Love? Spit and Swallow.
How does a women hold her liquor? By the ears.
Whats the difference between men and jelly beans? Jelly beans come in difference colours.
What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? So they don't whistle on the way down.
How can you tell a macho women? She rolls her own tampons.
What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you? There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
How do you recycle a used tampon? As a tea-bag for vampires.
What do elephants use as tampons? Sheep
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes
What's better than a rose on your piano? Two lips on your organ
What is the definition of pure agony? F**king a meat mincer!
What's a 68? You do me, and I'll owe you one!
Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top? Because Ronnie can only f*ck up
Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss
How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for dandruff on her shoes
What's the ultimate in rejection? When your wanking hand falls asleep
What is organic dental floss? Pubic hair
What are the three greatest lies? a)the check is in the mail b)small is beautiful c)I won't come in your mouth
Q :How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? A :When you open her legs the lights go on
Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport? A. Feels on Wheels !

Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat(b) eggs(c) wife(d) blowjob. Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blow job.

Why is a woman like a dog turd? The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
What's the difference between a woman(man) and a toilet? A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
Q: What do you call grit in a condom A: An organ grinder!
Q: What's green and eats nuts? A: Herpes!
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it got pissed off.
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? A. They are both fucking close to water!
Q. What do a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? A. They are both fun to ride until your friends see you.
Why are camels called ships of the desert? Because they are filled with Arab semen!
What did the banana say to the vibrator? What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to EAT!
Why is a pool table green? Well, if someone racked your balls, you'd be green too.
Lawyer : Well Mr. Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce Mickey : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was f*cking goofy.
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor: Yes ... you're fucking crackers.
Snow White has been thrown out of fairyland. She was caught sitting on Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!'

I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she would have to make cutbacks... Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady. She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the gardener.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?"

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help thses folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesatating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "FUCK YOU." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United."

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

President Clinton's approval ratings have been increasing in the polls.
They are now up to 50 percent. When they reach 60 percent, he will begin dating again.

What do you get when you put 50 government employees and 50 lesbians together in one room? ----- 100 people who don't do dick.

This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" Yep." "When they got up on the second floor he asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep." Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep." "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep." So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downsatirs. To his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "For God's sake officer, protect me from this man." He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

A man who was dying of a terminal disease called three of his closest friends to be with him in his last days on earth. He told them, "When I die, I want to take my money with me to heaven. So, I am going to give each of you $10,000 in cash, for you to put in an envelope, and drop into my casket just before it is closed and sealed." The three friends agree to fulfill his dying wish. Finally the man dies, and at the funeral, each man drops in his envelope just before the casket is permanently closed. That evening, while everyone is together at a family and friends meeting, one of the three men asks the other two to come into a private room with him, because he has something to tell them. Once alone he says, "I feel really bad about this, but I've got to tell you the truth. Recently, I have fallen on hard times, and I used $3,000 of that money to pay off some past due bills, and I only put $7,000 in my envelope." The second man breaths a sigh of relief and says, "I'm glad you said that, because I have fallen behind on some of my payroll taxes at work, and I only put $5,000 in my envelope." The third man looks at both of them and says in a very self-righteous voice, "Well, I'm shocked at the both of you. I'll have you know that I left him a check for the full amount....!!!

There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand. He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally detained by a policeman ...
PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"
DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"
PM: "Where did you last see it?"
DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."
PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"
DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said alluringly. The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?"

A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The businessman replied - "Where else in Boston can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring,I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69", she replies.  He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn*t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom*s thoughts, John volunteered, *I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.* About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, *Ever since your mother came to dinner, I*ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don*t suppose she took it, do you?* John said, *Well, I doubt it, but I*ll write her a letter just to be sure.*
So he sat down and wrote:
*Dear Mother, I*m not saying you *did* take a gravy ladle from my house, and I*m not saying you *did not* take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.*
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said:
*Dear Son, I*m not saying that you *do* sleep with your housekeeper, and I*m not saying that you *do not* sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom*

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. "You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years, they are a pair of young lovers reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching. A friendly angel flies past and looks down and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his/her strength and powers and brings them to life. But the most that the angel can do is bring them to life for half an hour. The angel tells them "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour, my full powers cannot give you any more. But for that half hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching". The pair thank the angel very much and disappear into the bushes. There is much grunting, groaning, rustling of leaves and similar sounds. Eventually, after 15 minutes the couple re-emerge looking very happy. "But" said the angel "you've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour. Why don't you go back and do it again ?" "Oh yes" says the young man to the young girl "why don't we ? Except this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it"

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

A man complained to his friends "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on wich was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant, it ain't yours---get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

This blonde chick is driving down the highway in her red convertible, top down, hair blowing in the wind, music blaring - doing about 85 mph in a 65 zone. Trooper stops her and turns on his siren. Five miles later she recognizes his presence and pulls over. The trooper, this rather large, strapping man, steps out of the car and sees her "bouncing" along with the music and thinks "cute babe". He approaches the car, leans over and says: "Did you know you were driving 85 in a 65 zone?" "What?" replies the blonde "Did you know you were doing 85 in a 65 zone - it tells you ther on the spedometer" as he points into the car. "Oh" she relplied giggling, "I thought that was the temperature gage." He shook his head. "Let me see your drivers license" After shuffling through the hairspray, lipstick, and perfume, she finally pulls out a credit card. "No mam, your drivers license, the one with the picture on it" he replies impatiently. "Oh sorry" she says and pulls it out after more shuffling. He returns to his car to check her record and thinks to himself "hmmm she's not that bright - just maybe...." So he returns to her car, unzips his pants and places a fully erect penis over the door of the car to which she replies:
"Oh no, not another breathalizer test!"

There once was a farmer who had three daughters.
They each had a date on Friday night.
The first guy showed up and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer realizing he was a nice guy, let them be on their way.
The second guy showed up and said,
"My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to a show is she ready to go?"
The farmer let them too be on their way.
Finally the third guy showed up and said, "Hi, my name is Chuck." --- And the farmer shot him.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven" Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happen, the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean, Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", Mumbled Lucy, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming!! I'm coming!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."

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