A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and
notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and
says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy
and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's
wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The
big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left
testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God!
I thought you said 'Turn around'."|
It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to
the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the
bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but
he looks the other way. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she
invites him home. Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows
it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if
she has any baby powder. "In the bathroom cabinet" she says. He dusts his hands,
drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him,
rolling pin in hand. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well,
you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered
me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and
I ended up back at her place making love..." "Wait a minute" snapped his
wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't
lie, you rotten little shit...you've been bowling again!"
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the
man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt
that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends
him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had
dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and
sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had
dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to
bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the
man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing, he drives very
cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of
food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at
every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front
door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims,
"I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think
your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a
cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the
ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up
on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with
the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband,
noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla
gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests
that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the
bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely
crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings
her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some
of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so
too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. ARE THERE ANY
QUESTIONS?". To this, a male student in the crowd inquires: "HOW MUCH FOR A
The Seven Dwarves walk up to a nunnery and huddle outside the door to discuss something.
Then Doc walks up to the door and knocks. The Mother Superior opens the door and Doc asks
her if there are any 3 ft nuns in this nunnery. The mother superior looks at him funny and
says that no, there are no 3 ft nuns here. Doc thanks her and goes back to the group and
they huddle again making all sorts of whispering noises. Happy walks up to the door and
knocks jovially. Mother Superior opens the door and Happy asks if there are any 3 ft nuns
in the country. Mother Superior wonders what is going on, but says that, no, there are no
3 ft nuns in the country. Happy thanks her and goes back to the group. Again they huddle
for consultation. Grumpy is sent up to the door. The Mother Superior opens the door and
Grumpy asks her if there are any 3 ft nuns on the continent, and the Mother Superior,
frustrated, says that NO, there are no 3 ft nuns on the continent. Grumpy growls a thank
you and goes back to the group. After a few minutes, they send Sleepy. He knocks on the
door and the Mother Superior opens the door, sees Sleepy standing there, and yells,
"NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FT NUNS ON THE ENTIRE PLANET! NONE! THERE NEVER WERE AND NEVER
WILL BE ANY 3 FT NUNS! EVER!" and slams the door. Sleepy yawns and goes back the
group. He shakes his head. The rest of the group turns to Dopey and starts chanting
"DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN, DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN..."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the para-troopers. He went though the
standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and
finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his
father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well,
let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the
sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else
had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too
scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did
you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said Boy, are you
gonna jump or not?" "I said, No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled
down his zipper and took his fellow out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big
around as a baseball bat!" "He said, Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm
sticking this little baby where the sun dont shine!!!" "So, did you jump?"
asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to
begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered,
"Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam
who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged
and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes
Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam
said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and
Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and
said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said,
"You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked,
"What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam
went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam
said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this had started, she
announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a
large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country , to Germany, to wait out her
pregnancy, and have her baby over there. "But how will you know when our baby is
born?" she asked. "Well," he said, "after you've had the baby just
send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back." Not knowing what else to do,
she took the money and went to Germany. Six months went by and one day the doctor's wife
called him at his office. "Dear, you recieved a very strange postcard in the mail
today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means." "Just wait
till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later, that evening the doctor came
home and read his postcard which said::
SAUERKRAUT! SAUERKRAUT! SAUERKRAUT!
TWO WITH WEINERS! ONE WITHOUT!
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's; wife answers.;
"Hi is Tony home?"; "No he went to the store."; "Well, you mind
if I wait?"; "No come in."; They sit down and the friend says "You
know Nora, you have the; greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks
if I; could just see one."; Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the
hell - a; hundred bucks.; She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and
throws a; 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says; "They
are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you; another 100 bucks if I
could just see the both of them together."; Nora thinks about this and says what the
hell opens her robe and gives; Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another
100 bucks; on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.; A while
later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird; friend Chris came
over. "; Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the;
200 bucks he owes me?"
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day
as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up
the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can
have a football!" The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother "I
need a football!" Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds
up the football "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and
says "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't
have one!" She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most
private of parts says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next day he walks by and asks her "Well, I guess I showed
you!" To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims
"My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE
as I want!"
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them
managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother
to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and
waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play
through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and
the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked
toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned
around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, " Small World! "
Three men drinking in a bar; a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking
his white wine, he said, "For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat
and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat, she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini, he said,
"For Valentine's Day, I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress, she will still love me because she got the gold
bracelet. As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey, he said, "For Valentine's
Day, I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the
t-shirt, she can go screw herself!
There wer 2 twins, Joe & John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just
so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly
old woman saw Joe, & mistaking him for John, said "I'm sorry to hear about your
loss. You must feel terible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said
"Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up & she smelled like an old dead fish. She
was always losing her water. She had a bad crack in the back & a pretty big hole in
the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger & she leaked like crazy. I
guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to those 4 guys looking for
a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools all tried to get in her at once & she split right up the middle." The
old woman fainted.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for
them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man
walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if
the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day,
repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he
returns. "So did you follow him? "I did." "And...where did he
go?" "Over to your house..."
This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink.
While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He
reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the
piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar. The bartender goes up to
the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just
down the block who would grant just one wish. The bartender went outside and down the
block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really long time.
Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will
grant you one wish." The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a
sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The
bartender tried to scatter the ducks, but they all came right back. The bartender went
back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player, and said, "What
a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!" The guy at the
bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10
inch *pianist*, do you?!"
One day the three stooges were having a good time when all of a sudden they all died at
the same time. When they arrived at the gate, St. Peter was stunned. "Gee, I've never
had three people arrive at the same time," St.Peter exclaimed. "Here's how it
works. I ask you a biblical question, and if you get it correct, you get into Heaven. But
I usually only have 2 questions ready at a time." So Larry stepped up, and St. Peter
asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" Larry answered, "Adam." Bells
rang, birds chirped, and he walked into heaven. Next Moe stepped up and St. Peter asked,
"Who was the first woman on earth?" Moe said, "Eve." Bells rang, birds
chirped, and he walked into heaven. Last Curly came and St. Peter said, " I usually
don't need a 3rd question, so let me think... "What were the first words spoken by
Eve to Adam?" Curly was stumped and mumbled to himself, "Gee that's a hard
Bells rang, birds chirped. and he walked into heaven.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor
took the wife aside and said "If you don't do the following, your husband will die:
1) Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
2) At lunch make him a warm and nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before
he goes back to work.
3) For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores.
4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied
"You're going to die."
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and
after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed
her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins. His eyes
watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and
asked, "What'd you do that fer?" "That's fer fifty years of bad sex,"
she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing.Slowly they began to rock again. Again they
kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and
picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across
the shins. As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What was
that fer?" "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer
knowin' the difference."
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at checkout #3.
He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?" She says, "Sure. What size
are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check,"
the cashier says and she unzips his pants and takes a feel and then she says over the
intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE
3" They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a thirty-year
old man walks into the store and up to checkout 3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell
condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?" He
says "Well, I don't know." She says, "Just let me check here." She
unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE
CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." Someone brings the condoms and
the man pays for them and leaves. Later, a sixteen-year old guy comes into the store and
goes up to the girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any
condoms here?" "Yep," she says, "But what size do you need?"
"I don't know." he says. She unzips his zipper for a feel and then says over the
"CLEAN UP TO AISLE THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP TO AISLE THREE."
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were
both very much in favor of trying it out. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for
starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20
percent pain. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood
pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, he decided to try for
50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out
his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic!
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is
sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Porsche
back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of
the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A
few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow againand the rabbit fell
into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the
width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the
rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche.
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill...
He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both
employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one
who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the
manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill
took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd
wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen
cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas
City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he
gratefully closed his eyes awaiting takeoff. At the last minute, another passenger plopped
down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened
his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot
4 inches, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my lucks
going to change. She also still had a name tag on from something. So he turned to her and
said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?" She laughed and said "Oh, that's
not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly
thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association." "Keynote
huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?" Well, I'm a licensed sex
therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please
women. I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed
opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans
that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all. One group are the Jewish men
because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another
is the Native American, basically because as a group they are so well built 'that way.'
The Third are the men from down south because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up
a long time. And by the way, my name is Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weisenberg, but all my friends back home just call me
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he
notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your
chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of
it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud
of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she
replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at
Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband
is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and
they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know
it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing
needle!" The third woman fainted.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped
naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting
to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and
after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more
minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries
Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the
brotherhood. The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then ties a little bell to
their wee-wee with some string. If your bell rings, explains the head monk, then you are
not fit forthe brotherhood. A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a
sensuous dance, but the bells don't ring. Her dance gets more and more erotic, but the
bells don't ring. She starts to peel off her clothes...'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the
bells. The head monk faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for the order.
Pick up your clothes and leave us." Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes.
'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when
this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!"
the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid
drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire; this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to
catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the
end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken
wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking
down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells.
"Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape;
this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch
ducks with duck tape!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the
road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes.
The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the
farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a
stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain"t just any old stick; this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale
looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at
the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female
"Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to
knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The
female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely
sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the
shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the
male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then,
the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to
the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a
special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before
they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any
contact with a penis? "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just
touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger". "OK" says St. Peter,
"Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven". The next Nun admits
that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a
bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass
on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in
line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary
Margaret sticks her ass in it!"
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the
crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several
hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started
reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she
replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a
restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't
you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in
and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the
irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's
true....but you have all the equipment."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front portch, reflecting on her
long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her
that she will grant three wishes. "Well now," says the old lady, "I guess I
would like to be really rich." POOF! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a yourg, beautiful princess." POOF! She
turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy
godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooooooh, can you change my old Tom cat into a young handsome priince?" she
asks. POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly
imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters
across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Sorry you had me neutered now,
By the time John pulled into the little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the
last hotel manager, "Or just a bed - I don't really care where. Im completely
exhausted". "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and Im sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No
problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next
morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked
him how he survived. "Never better." John said. The manager was
impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I
shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was
already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went
over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all
night watching me."