Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Three junior monks were taking their final test to enter the
brotherhood. The head monk tells them to take their robes off, then ties a little bell to their wee-wee with some string. If your bell rings, explains the head monk, then you are not fit forthe brotherhood. A door opens, and out comes a scantily-clad woman doing a sensuous dance, but the bells don't ring. Her dance gets more and more erotic, but the bells don't ring. She starts to peel off her clothes...'Ding, ding, ding,' goes one of the bells. The head monk faces him and says, "You, brother, are not fit for the order. Pick up your clothes and leave us." Ashamed, he bends over to pick up his clothes. 'Ding, ding, ding,' go the other two bells.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire; this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape; this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain"t just any old stick; this here's pussy willow." "Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis? "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger". "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven". The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Margaret sticks her ass in it!"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.  Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff. "Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front portch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will grant three wishes. "Well now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF! Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a yourg, beautiful princess." POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooooooh, can you change my old Tom cat into a young handsome priince?" she asks. POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Sorry you had me neutered now, huh?" 

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed - I don't really care where. Im completely exhausted".  "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager,  "and Im sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the  truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."  "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."  The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  The manager asked him how he survived.  "Never better." John said.  The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"  "Nope. I shut him up in no time."  "How'd you manage that?"  "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said.  "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,'  and he sat up all night watching me."