Fun E Humor - Joke and Humour Archive

An elderly woman while in the doctors office said that she wanted the doctor to prescribe some birth control pills for her. After inquiring why, and getting nowhere, the doctor decided that they wouldn't hurt her and gave her the prescription to keep her happy. A few months later when the woman was back in the office the doctor asked her how the birth control pills were working. The woman replied, "They're working great. I'm sleeping like a baby." The doctor wanting to avoid confusion told the woman, "Those are birth control pills, not sleeping pills that I gave you." The old woman smiled and looked at the doctor and said, "Well Doc, I get up each morning and put one of those pills in a glass of orange juice and give it to my granddaughter and I'm sleeping like a baby."

Three little boys were out late one night. It was dark and it started to rain. They became very wet and went to a priests house and asked if they could come in. The priest invited them in and asked one of them, "Do you belong to the true faith?" The boy said yes and was told to go and sit by the fire. The second boy was asked the same question. Gave the same answer and was also told to go and sit by the fire. The third boy said he was a protestant and he was told to go and sit in the far corner of the room. All three boys fell asleep and upon awakening the priest asked if the had slept well. "Great said the first boy. I dreamt I went to heaven and met the Virgin Mary." Even better said the second boy. "I dreamt I went to heaven and met God." "How about you?" the priest asked the third boy. He said he had dreamt that he had gone to hell. This really interested the priest and he asked, "What was it like there." He said, "It was just like here. It was cold." The priest was suprised and said, "How come." The boy said, "Because there were so many cathloics around the fire I couldn't get close enough to get warm.

One day when little Johnny comes home from school. His Mother says,"Johnny you play nice with your toys, Mom is going to have a bath." So, Mom goes up to her bath. Johnny remembers something he wants to ask her. He runs upstairs, and says,"Oh,Oh Mommy what's that?" Mother says, " That's my sponge." Johnny says, "Your sponge, O.K." Then he runs off to play. A few weeks later, his mother has surgery, For this surgery she has to remove all her all her hair, for she is to have abdominal surgery. Mother comes home and everything is fine. Next day Johnny comes home from school. His mother says, "Mom is going to take a bath." Johnny says,"O.K." A few minutes later Johnny goes up to ask his Mother something. He says, "Oh, Oh Mom what happened to your sponge?" Mom says,"Um,Um, Oh I lost it." "You lost it," says Johnny. "Yes" saysMom, and Johnny goes off to play. The next day, Johnny comes home from school. Mother says, "I'm going to take a bath," "O.K." says Johnny. A few minutes later, Johnny comes running into the house. "Mommy, Mommy I have good news." She says,"What Johnny?" Johnny says,"I've found your sponge Mommy." She says,"What!" Johnny says, "I've found your sponge." His Mother then asks, "Where did you find my sponge Johnny?" Johnny says, "The maid has it upstairs, and she's washing Daddy's face with it."

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud, that he began referring to his wife as "Mother of Six,". Despite her objections, this persisted. One night the couple went to a party. When it was time to leave, the man yelled across the room......"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A 65 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What on earth are you doing?!", asked the Mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head in disgust. A couple of days later, the father comes home from work. He also hears a strange noise coming from the bedroom. Upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. One Sunday, the Mother came home to find her husband watching the Super Bowl. He had a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

A couple married forty years were revisiting some of the places they went to on their honeymoon. While driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. Warmly, the woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did forty years ago." Her husband eagerly stopped the car. His wife got out and backed against the fence. They made love like never before. While driving off, the husband says, "Ya know darlin', you never moved like that forty years ago......or any time that I can remember!" The woman replied, "Forty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day. The conversation turned into a discussion of job descriptions and promotions. The Rabbi asked "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes........and then what?" asked the Rabbi. Proudly the priest replied "Next I can become Arch-Bishop." "Hmmmm, and then.......?" questioned the Rabbi. "With some hard I can possibly work my way up to a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., what happens after that?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, was beginning to get a bit annoyed "With some luck and a GREAT deal of hard work.....maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then...........?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest was REALLY annoyed now. "With UNIMAGINABLE luck, sucessful completion of some really difficult work,........AND assuming that I'm in the right places at the right times, play my political games just right....... maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Very good.....But then what?" asked the Rabbi. "GOOD GRIEF!!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?!!" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!!!!!!!!"

A Southern Baptist woman dies & goes to heaven. She is greeted by the gatekeeper. "Hi....., Welcome to Heaven. Tell me a little bit about yourself so I can determine if I should let you in or not" The woman tells him that she sings in the gospel choir every Sunday & volunteers frequently for local organizations. "Hmmm, welcome to heaven! Turn right after you enter" replies the gatekeeper.
A Catholic woman dies & goes to heaven. She is also greeted by the gatekeeper. "Hi.......Welcome to heaven. Tell me a little bit about yourself so that I can determine if I should let you in or not" The woman explains that she attends church on a regular basis, & is a volunteer Sunday school teacher at her church. "Hmmmm, welcome to heaven! Turn right after you enter"
A Jewish woman dies & goes to heaven. She is greeted by the gatekeeper. "Hi.......Welcome to heaven. Tell me a little bit about yourself so that I can determine if I should let you in or not" The woman tells him that she obeys the Sabbath, and donates time & money to charities. "Hmmmm, welcome to heaven! Turn left after you enter" Shocked, the woman says "LEFT?!.... The other women were told to go RIGHT!" "I understand that.....I assumed you wanted to have your nails done first!!"

Two guys are walking thier dogs. Both start getting a little hungry. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says "Hey, lets go over there to get a quick bite to eat" The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pinscher confidently says "Don't worry, just follow my lead." The guy with the Doberman pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and starts to walk in. A guy at the door stops hime & says "Sorry, sir, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." Shocked the guy at the door asks "A Doberman pinscher?!" He says, "Yes, they're using them now. They've been helping the blind for about 5 years now. They're very good dogs." The guy at the door apologizes & seats the man. The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," He puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, sir, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." Laughing the guy at the door replies, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "Those Bastards gave me a Chihuahua ?!?!"

A young man applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The boss asked the young man, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" Shaking his head, the young man mutters "No sir" The boss liked the young man's honesty. "Be here at 9am" he said. At the end of the day, I'll check in with you & see if this is a job that you REALLY want" The day proved to be a long, ardous one for the young man. Finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss came by as promised. "So, how many sales did you make today?" "One, sir" said the young salesman. Astonished the boss replied "Only one?!!" "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars" came the reply. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well", said the young man, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook... then a medium fishhook.... then finally a large fishhook. I then sold him a small fishing line.... a medium fishing line.......and a long fishing line." I started to chat with the guy & asked him where he was going fishing. He told me "Down the Coast" I told him that he would get better results with a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he told me his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to tow it the boat. So, I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." Amazed, the boss took two steps back and exclaimed, "You sold all of that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!!" "No," answered the young man, "He came in to buy a box of Super Tampons, Midol & Pantyliners for his wife. I just said to him....."Well, your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing!"

A young Jewish man decides that he is tired of living without a companion. He goes to the local pet shop in search of "The Perfect Pet" After a long discussion, he purchases a bird. For the next year the the young man would light the Shabbat candles & then attend synagogue. This went on without incidence until one day he overheard the bird trying to say the blessing over the candles. "Wow!, this is amazing! I knew that he would begin to talk one day.......I had no idea that the birds were so intelligent. To think....He's starting to learn Hebrew." For the next year, the young man says all of the prayers with the bird on his shoulders. The bird quickly learns all of the Hebrew prayers, & can recite them at the appropriate times. The young man has an idea....What if I begin to teach him Torah. The following year, the young man trains the bird to the point that he can carry on a conversation in English, he knows parts of the Torah, & can reciet all of the prayers. The young man then decides to expand the birds horizons even further. "I know, I'll take him to synagogue with me. The two of us will be able to share a Shabbat (Friday night) service together while watching the expression on peoples faces when they see how brilliant my bird is" The two venture off to Shabbat services together. Upon entering, people stop the two & say........"You can't come in here with a bird!" To which the young man replies..."You don't understand. This bird is a scolar. He can speak English & Hebrew, he knows the prayers, & parts of the Torah" By now, most of the congregation are laughing at the young man. "Hah, What a joke!!....I bet you 100.00 dollars that the bird doesn't say a word all night!" Three other people also bet against the bird. The entire service goes by....Not a single word is said by the bird! Humilliated, the young man pays everyone & then turns to his bird........."Why on earth did you do that to me?! I'm disgraced, humilliated!!" To which the bird replies....."Just wait till next Friday. We'll be able to TRIPLE our money when those suckers bet against me again!!!"

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Travis went skydiving one day. On the plane he met Jerry. During the conversation Travis found out that Jerry was blind.
Travis: I can't believe that you are a skydiver. How do you get into position?
Jerry: That's easy. The plane is small and I can find the door easy enough.
Travis: Yes! But how do you assure yourself that you can find the pull cords?
Jerry: Oh, that's easy too. I have the cords especially configured.
Travis: Okay. But how do you know when to PULL the cords?
Jerry: No problem. I have a great sense of smell and can smell trees 300 feet above their tops. So I know when to pull the cords.
Travis: That's amazing!! Oh, but how do you know when you're about to hit ground so that you end up on your feet??
Jerry: No problem. The dog's leash goes slack.

Four guys were walking down the street: a Saudi Prince, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me??... What's excuse me?

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO." St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven . . . for five days!"

A young couple returned from thier honeymoon cruise. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Eager to hear about her daughters trip, the mother said "Well, darling....how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! It was so romantic, we had a terrific time! Just one thing.......as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible 4-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home.........Please Mother!" The new bride began to sob over the telephone. "Honey," the mother countered, "what 4-letter words?" Still crying, the bride responded, "Mom......Please, I can't.....They're too awful! Come get me, please!!!" "Darling, just tell me what has gotten you so upset.....Go ahead & tell me the profanities he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mom it was AWFUL.......Words like DUST, IRON, WASH, SAVE & COOK"

USA: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock: do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock: do you know what time it is?"

A young ventriloquist decides to try his act out on an Indian reservation. He locates the chief & says "Hey Chief, I see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?" " Dog no talk!", replied the chief. Petting the dog the ventriloquist says......"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?" "Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the teepee," replied the dog. The Chief was amazed! The ventriloquist was beginning to have fun. He says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?" "Horse no talk!", replied the Chief. "Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?", says the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose. "Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot doesn't take long trips anymore. I just hang around eating hay.", came the reply from the horse. Now the Chief was really amazed! The ventriloquist was enjoying this so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?" "OH...SHEEP LIE...SHEEP LIE!!", replied the Chief

An Italian, Irish & Polish man are sitting in a bar. The Italian breaks the silence by saying, "I can't get over how stupid my wife is....There was a GREAT sale on meats at the market.........She came back with 300.00 dollars worth of the shit. Problem is, we don't have a fridge for it!!"
Not to be outdone, the Irishman says "I tell you, my wife is stupid. Last week she went out & spent $17,000 on a cute car she liked. Problem is, she doesn't drive!!"
Feeling as though he's in good company the Polish man says. "Yeah, I know how it is. My wife is sooooo stupid. She came back from vacation with boxes of variuos condoms & she doesn't even have a penis"

Mrs. Jones dies & inquires about her decesed husband at the gate. The gatekeeper asks...."What was your husband's name?" "Fred Jones." the woman replies. "Well, I am afraid, Mrs. Jones, that there are a great many Fred Jones here. Could you be a bit more specific?" "Well, he had no middle name. He was kinda average looking. I'm not sure what else I can give you." Thinking, the gatekeeper asks, "Mrs Jones, did he say anything on his death bed Sometimes, that can help me" "Yes, he did say something. He made me swear that I would never have another man. He said he'd 'roll over in his grave' "
"Oh! You want Fred "Spinning" Jones!"

A man's sppeding while driving home one evening. He notices a police car with its lights flashing in his rear view mirror. He thinks to himself "Hmmmm, I can outrun this guy," So, he floors it. The cars are racing down the highway -- 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 110, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. The police officer gets out of his cruiser & goes over to the car. Tapping the glass he says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." Thinking for a moment, the man says ........."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were racing to give her back to me!"

Q: And why did Sonny Bono ski into the tree??...           A: It's always been a good political move to keep up with the Kennedys.
What's the difference between Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy?           About five days.
How was the body found?          Sonny side up.
Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Sonny and Michael Kennedy?
Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"
How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?           Check the family tree.
What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?           A1: One more bullet.           A2: A season lift pass.

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium ... he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat ten rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's' Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Two old ladies were smoking cigarettes while waiting for a bus. When it began to rain, one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The first old lady informed her......"It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The second one asked The lady with the dry cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the second lady went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that a woman of her age would be asking about condoms. He asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Everyone at the local bar were confident that the bartender was the strongest man in the Valley. They were so sure, they had a bar room test.......The winner would win a thousand dollars. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money. Over the year, many people tried, but failed. Typical "Strong men" (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) could not beat the local bartender. One day a scrawny, geeky little man came into the bar. He inquired about the lemon & glass. Timidly the man says "I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a fresh lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the little man. To the crowd's amazement, thier laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, trucker or what?" To which the man replied "Nope........I work for the IRS."

A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking bummed-out. The bartender noticed him and asked what's wrong. The man tells the bartender that he believes his wife has been unfaithful. Problem is he's not sure how to confront her about it. The bartender replies, "Here's what you do.......Tonight, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence, shyness, & naivete........That my friend would be a sure sign that she's been sleeping around. BUT, If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent." The man decides to give it a try. When he gets home, he immediately goes upstairs to summon his wife. As he enters the bedroom, he drops his pants & points to his member and asks her what it is. "Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife. The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick." His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"

A family of three (mom, dad and a young girl) go down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach, comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, Mommy, Dad is talking to this really dumb blonde, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!!"

Mike & Bob have known each other for 80 of thier 90 years! In thier discussions about "The Afterlife", they maintained that the first one to pass away would come back & report to the other. One day Mike passes away. Several months later, while Bob is sleeping, he hears a voice from outside his window......."BOB!, it's me MIKE!........BOB, wake the heck up!!" Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Bob goes to the window & asks, "Mike, is that REALLY you?!" "Sure is buddy! I have got to tell ya, I LOVE this afterlife stuff!!.........I wake up in the morning, eat, screw around for a bit, then sleep. When lunch time comes around, I eat, screw around a bit more, then go to sleep for awhile. Dinner time is the same routine!" Impressed, Bob replies, "Wow, I can't wait to get to heaven & see ya buddy" "HEAVEN?!, Who the heck said anything about heaven?! I was reincarnated as a bunny rabbit!!"

Three blondes die and are greeted by the gatekeeper at the gates of heaven. They are told that blondes are screened before entering. The process is simple, they can enter, but ONLY if they answer one simple question correctly. The gatekeeper approaches the first blonde & asks, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, you get to see your family & friends, eat turkey, and are thankful..." "WRONG," replies the gatekeeper. He then goes to the second blonde & asks, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the really big holiday in December. We put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the.....the birth of........of Jesus." Shaking his head, the gatekeeper responds......."WRONG" Then turns his attention to the third & last blonde............."WHAT IS EASTER?"
The third blonde smiles and looks the gatekeeper directly in the eyes. "I know what Easter is! Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. The Passover meal is what Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out. If he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hosptial waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir. You're the father of twins." Suprised, the man said "Wow, What a coincidence.....I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man. "You sir, are the father of triplets." Joyfully, he explaimed, "Wow! That's really an incredible coincidence......I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turned to the third man, who had been sitting quietly in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he couldn't speak. "Wait, don't tell me,....ANOTHER coincidence?!" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had fainted flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side. Wen he finally was able to speak, you could hear him whispering "I should have never taken the job at 7-11"

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward an wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Catholic Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was quite understandably nervous. However, her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. I cook pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest!" "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs in panic to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. I cook the pasta. You go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up our poor Maria went again. When she got up there, the patient groom Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Step aside," said the mother, "YOU stay here, and stir the pasta. I'm going upstairs. This job is for Mama!

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
(brace yourself for this one)............. "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."