This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants to
raise chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster
that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named
Randy. He'll service every chick you've got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster
costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it and buys the bird. The
farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn-yard. Before he lets him go, he
decides to give the rooster a little pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself
now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,"
the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy actually seemed to understand! The farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the
hen house three or four times and the farmer is delighted. As he goes about his work, the
farmer notices a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the
farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Randy
gets all the geese. By sunset, the farmer spots Randy out in the fields, chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer's starting to worry that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours at this pace! Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next day to
find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are
circling overhead. Saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive - animal,
the farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, and now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
"Shhh,they're getting closer..........." |
and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky,
I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why
would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes,
Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were
35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would
give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I
respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that
very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how our old doctor
came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape
again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save
my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love
me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the
golf club and you were 17 votes short?
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital.He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did
his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the
nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This
started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear
end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to
get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to
his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he hears people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's
the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After
a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The
driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing
exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the
officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than
the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed
limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an
hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain
a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A
bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These
women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked
him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the
priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what
to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few
minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest
asks, "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two
Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." A few minutes later, a man
enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:
"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail
Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he
thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and
says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you
do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this
week, three for $5."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried
everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation,
they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At
the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of
the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced
and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the
engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The
engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid
in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he
suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced
himself down the stairs gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he
leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The
aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when
it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she
said, "they're for after the funeral."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a
deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will
close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and
placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd
gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed
as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it
a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
bar. A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit
me on the head with the beer bottle."
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
were a general practicioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general
practicioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a
duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of
course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter.
This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was
really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some
more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy
a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of
his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a
duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.
BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste
better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I
have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When
we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self." The bartender
admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in
the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he
laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined
the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm
still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he
kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was
never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get
back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the ystem up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to
research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance
and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or
not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to
position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9
was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he
ever did was...God, I miss him! ......But now that I've married you, I'm really
excited!" Good," said the lawyer, "but, why? "Duh; you're a lawyer.
This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits down, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll
have a beer", and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a
beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be
$3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says,"I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the
man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes a routine until,
late one evening the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch", says the man.
"Same for me", says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the
bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do
you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish
was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right
amount of money I will always be there." That's brilliant!" says the bartender.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as
rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon
of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The
bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies
"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Once upon a time, a gay man with a tremendous sex-drive died and
went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his
records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening
the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on
the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. The gay man just couldn't resist,
so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that
again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're just there." After
walking some more, Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him.
Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last
chance. Again they walk and for the third time Peter droped his keys and then bent
over to pick them up. The guy, having no self control, jumped on him. Peter by now
was fed up and sent the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Peter
went down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something was wrong, it was
freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he found the devil lying under a stack of
blankets freezing his ass off. "Why is it so goddamn cold down here?"
Peter asked. "Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband's sex drive. "Has your husband tried Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "I'll give you a small
sample of it. Just drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back
in a week to let me know how things go. A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and
he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible, Doctor!"
"What happened? asks the confused doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and
slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make
passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!" "What was so
terrible?" inquired the doctor, "was the sex not good...?" "Oh no,
Doctor. The sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face
in McDonald's again!"
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't
know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a
Wal-Mart "associate" standing with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me
sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm
blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know
about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the
counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says,
"Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the
counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the
counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed
but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will
be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says,
"Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink
bait is $2.50."
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to
her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman
freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was
a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more
or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish,
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do
realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because
I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM -
she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the
richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So,
KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them
A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new
"city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young
woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I
want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would
you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes sir. What
size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes
ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He
replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double
D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in
Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in
Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes ma'am. I spect
I'll need a hat." "Yes sir. What size?" "Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!" "Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in
Texas." She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for
you?" "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing
tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked,
"Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is.
And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend
is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after
finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he
felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two
young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman
wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and
saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great
mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue
ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the
other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of
the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said,
"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man
over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely
horrified... "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant
and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life. Then, the
Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty
years," protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me." Man spoke up
eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then,
the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted
ten years. Again, man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten years?" The lion
graciously agreed. Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like
the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "Can I have
the other ten years?" And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years
of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten
years of making an ass of himself.
A Doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly
afterwards, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how
will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a
postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the
expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to
Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from
Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until
I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came
home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to
the E.R. The lead paramedic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had
precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the postcard and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs and two
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit
one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh,
nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as
he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands
inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that
feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in their buggy one
cold, blustery January day in Indiana. The daughter said to the mother. "My Hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body
heat will warm them up. "So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day,
the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said. "My
hands are freezing cold." The girl replied,"Put them between my legs, they'll
warm up." He did and his hands warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was again
driving in the buggy with the girl. He said: "My nose is freezing cold." The
girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did and his nose
warmed up. The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with
her mother and says to her mother: "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The
somewhat concerned mother says, "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?" The daughter
says:"Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he meets a demon. Demon: "Why so sad,
my friend?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinkin' man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to
drink." Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we
throw up and then drink some more." Guy: "Gee, that
sounds great!" Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the
world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already
dead!" Guy: "Golly" Demon:
"I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Yes, as a matter
of fact, I do." Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is
gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow." Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to
a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?" Guy:
"Uh, no." Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for
six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day he
inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction
and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's
a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and
it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael,
still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God
continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by
Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on
Earth.There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and mountains. The people from
Pennsylvania are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be
found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance,
God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see
the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in New Jersey."
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at
her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I
don't want to offend you. She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive. Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me. She
responds, Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! The nun
says, O.K., pull into the next alley. He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when
they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. My dear child, why
are you crying? Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish. The nun says, That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied,
"Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I
think I'll just wait for the police..."