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The Heaven's Gate Nursery Rhyme
(my apologies to the late Dr. Suess...)
Written by: Jeffrey D. Warren

There was a cult named Heavan's Gate.
Those 39 they could not wait.
After Hale-Bopp it was too late.
That zany Mr. Applegate!

The UFO they said they'd find,
Trailed Hale-Bopp not far behind.
A crazier notion I've yet to find.
At what point did they lose their mind?

They did not die there in the hall.
They did not die against the wall.
It seemed that no one tried to stall,
Communal phenobarbitol.

It took no time to close their peepers.
The cops just thought they were deep sleepers.
My favorite part? Their new black sneakers!
Will Nike market them as "Air Grim Reapers"?

Now this is the part I really hate:
The testicles they did castrate.
I guess they made no plans to mate.
They could not even masturbate!
I guess when you figure death cannot wait,
There is no time to masturbate.
What?! No time to masturbate?!
Why would ANYONE join Heavan's Gate?!

This one belief they did all share:
For life on earth they did not care.
Their families thought it wasn't fair.
Hey, what was their f**ked up hair?

The media cannot help debate,
What caused them to direct their fate.
Was it Mr. Applegate?
Who cares? They were nuts! I think it's great.

I toast them with every vodka sip.
Now, who else wants that mothership?
One comes to mind - as I purse my lip.
I think Tim McVeigh earned a free one-way trip!

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