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Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required:

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"

-On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

-On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as a substitute for human companionship.

-On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

-On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

-On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

-On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

-On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

-On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

-On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

-On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

-On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

-On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

-On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

-On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

-On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

-On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

-On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

-On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

-On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.

-On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

-On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

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