Don't Impeach! He's doing important work!
CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US
plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the
largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically
needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have
been horribly butchered by millions around the world,"Clinton said. "Today, the
United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia
finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the
crusade in this noble endeavour."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set
for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the
first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of
"E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the
letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I
do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six
children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr.
Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be
George Humphries. This is my dream."
.. (portions euthanized)
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since
1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia,
providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of
L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the
letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.