In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form,
and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said,
"Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding
fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have
dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and
over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And
so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double
cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?"
And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found
so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which
to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil
to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips
and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole
grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while
feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the
same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked
Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce
lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God
brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at
21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the
polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the
property settlement. It didn't help her, either