Soon, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some spinning red thing headed toward our
coast and making two basic meteorological points:
There is no need to panic.
could all be killed.
If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
Follow this simple three-step hurricane
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to
last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap
and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they got
into the insurance business in the
first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance
company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any
moment, this company can drop you
like a bad talk show host.
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned.. (To
determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says Florida, you
live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a
bonus, you will not be lonely.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a lot of
supplies. Florida tradition requires
that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can
In addition to food and water, you will need
the following supplies:
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be
the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is
for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is
for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
And $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that,
after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no visible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it
is for everybody to stay away from